Favorite Comedy Quotes
Hancock: [leans in close to Michel] Call me a jackass one more time.
Hancock: [grabs Michel and launches him into the sky; turns to chubby kid] You got a problem Thickness?
[chubby kid shakes his head; turns to kid with glasses]
Hancock: How about you Goggles?
Losers are people who are so afraid of not winning, they don't even try.Grandpa
Six weeks ago Abdul here had a one way ticket to an arranged marriage with a broad he never met in Bangladesh. Now he's crushing ass every Thursday night at our mixersBeanie
What am I gonna do with 40 subscriptions to Vibe?Peter Gibbons
[licking window of police car] The snozzberries taste like snozzberries!College Kid
[to Tallahasse] Are you some type of cock blocking robot developed in some secret fucking government lab?Columbus
Yo, bartender, Jobu needs a refill.Eddie Harris
[to the dead Graboid, which he shot several thousand times] Guess you broke into the wrong God damn rec room, didn't ya!Burt Gummer
Cartman: Don't call me fat, you fucking Jew!
Mr. Garrison: Eric, did you just say the F-word?
Kyle: No, he's talking about "fuck". You can't say "fuck" in school, you fucking fat ass!
Find me that piece of paper I had in my hand yesterday morning.Miranda Priestly
Barry Badrinath: I was in Thailand, playing Ping-Pong in Ding Dang. I was in a real high-stakes game in some opium den. Turned out the guys I was playing aren't the kind of guys who like to lose. After I beat them... they beat me. Worked me over pretty good. And this is hard to say... but they held me down... and they shoved a ping pong paddle up my ass. It's never been the same. I'm damaged goods.
Steve "Fink" Finklestein: Gosh, Barry, I'm so sorry. I don't know what I would do if somebody shoved a paddle handle up my ass.
Barry Badrinath: Wasn't the handle. I've been shitting pancakes ever since.
Skipper: We've lost engine one.
Private: And engine two is no longer on fire.
Kowalski: [on the microphone] This is your captain speaking. I have good news and bad news. The good news is that we will be landing immediately.
Kowalski: The bad news is we're crash landing.