Favorite Comedy Quotes
No! She's only famous when she's Hannah Montana! She's only famous when she's wearing the wig!Little Rock
Dude! That means that by some fate we were paired together and she thought of me. Thought of me enough to want me to be responsible for the entire funness of her party! She wants to fuck me! She wants my dick in and around her mouth!Seth
Seth: You dropped your purse, ma'am. Would you like me to help you with your shopping?
Seth: That would be lovely! Do you want me to buy you alcohol?
Seth: That would be lovely!
Old Lady: [at the cash register, after buying alcohol]
Seth: Enjoy your remaining years!
Seth: Enjoy fucking Jules!
Seth: I will!
Shooter McGavin: I eat pieces of shit like you for breakfast.
Happy Gilmore: [laughing] you eat pieces of shit for breakfast?
Shooter McGavin: No... I...
The Dude: Jesus, man, could you change the channel?
Cab Driver: Fuck you man. If you don't like my fuckin' music get your own fuckin' cab!
The Dude: I had a rough...
Cab Driver: I pull over and kick your ass out!
The Dude: Come on, man. I had a rough night and I hate the fuckin' Eagles, man!
The Dude: Fuckin' Quintana... that creep can roll, man.
Walter Sobchak: Yeah, but he's a pervert, Dude.
The Dude: Yeah.
Walter Sobchak: No, he's a sex offender. With a record. He served 6 months in Chino for exposing himself to an eight year old.
The Dude: Oh!
Walter Sobchak: When he moved to Hollywood he had to go door to door to tell everyone he was a pederast.
Donny: What's a pederast, Walter?
Walter Sobchak: Shut the fuck up, Donny.
Officer Michaels: [out of breath] He's a freak...
Officer Michaels: He's the fastest kid alive...
David Patrick: We stoped off for ice cream.
Winston: When the fuck did we get ice cream?
Ah, devil ether. It makes you behave like the village drunkard in some early Irish novel. Total loss of all basic motor function. Blurred vision, no balance, numb tongue. The mind recoils in horror, unable to communicate with the spinal column. Which is interesting because you can actually watch yourself behaving in this terrible way, but you can't control it.Raoul Duke
What are you doing? It's a game of touch football, every time I look over you're on your ass again.John Beckwith
Donkey: You love this woman, don't ya?
Donkey: Do you wanna hold her?
Donkey: Please her?
Donkey: Then ya gotta, gotta try a little tenderness! Chicks love that romantic crap.
There was this mollusk, and he walks up to this sea cucumber. Normally, they don't talk, sea cucumbers, but in a joke everyone talks. So the sea mollusk says to the cucumber...Marlin