Favorite Comedy Quotes
Annie: You read my diary.
Annie's roommate: At first I did not know it was your diary... I thought it was a very sad handwritten book.
Ah, devil ether. It makes you behave like the village drunkard in some early Irish novel. Total loss of all basic motor function. Blurred vision, no balance, numb tongue. The mind recoils in horror, unable to communicate with the spinal column. Which is interesting because you can actually watch yourself behaving in this terrible way, but you can't control it.Raoul Duke
What are you doing? It's a game of touch football, every time I look over you're on your ass again.John Beckwith
You sexy like a chocolate strawberry.Wheeler
John Beckwith: I just wanted to say how much I appreciated your position paper on economic expansion in Micronesia.
Secretary Cleary: You've read my position paper?
John Beckwith: I read it while I was sailing my boat to Bermuda.
Secretary Cleary: A sailor? Sit down. You didn't happen to catch my speech on the Paraguayan debt and money supply issue did you?
John Beckwith: Are you kidding me? I thought it was great! Your argument for the inverse ratio of capitalization to debt was genius. Now if we could only get congress not to be so short sighted.
Secretary Cleary: Yes! Well put. Short sighted. John, how about we go out on the deck and light up a couple of cigars?
John Beckwith: Stogies?
Secretary Cleary: Yeah.
John Beckwith: Why not?
There was this mollusk, and he walks up to this sea cucumber. Normally, they don't talk, sea cucumbers, but in a joke everyone talks. So the sea mollusk says to the cucumber...Marlin
Donkey: You love this woman, don't ya?
Donkey: Do you wanna hold her?
Donkey: Please her?
Donkey: Then ya gotta, gotta try a little tenderness! Chicks love that romantic crap.
Mary: So you'll pick me up tonight at seven forty-five?
Harry: Well I got a few things to take care of. So how about we make it quarter to eight?
Mary: [Laughs] Stop it
Harry: Okay. Seven forty-five
Father O'Neil: And now for our second reading I'd like to ask the bride's sister Gloria up to the lectern.
John Beckwith: 20 bucks First Corinthians.
Jeremy Grey: Double or nothing Colossians 3:12.
Gloria Cleary: And now a reading from Paul's first letter to the Corinthians.
I've had it! I've had it with wobbly-legged, rum-soaked PIRATES!Elizabeth Swann
You're not strong! You're silky boys! Silk comes from the butts of Chinese Worms!Colonel Oates
You think I like avoiding my wife and kids to hangout with nineteen year old girls everyday?Beanie