Heywood: Going somewhere, meat?
Willie Mays Hayes: About 90 feet.

Crash Davis: You don't want a ballplayer; you want a stable pony.
Skip: Nah.
Crash Davis: Well, my triple-A contract gets bought out so I can hold some flavor-of-the-month's dick in the bus leagues, is that it? Well, fuck this fucking game!
Crash Davis: I quit, all right? I fucking quit.
[Crash exits the office and stands in the clubhouse for a minute before sticking his head back through the door]
Crash Davis: Who we play tomorrow?
Skip: Winston-Salem. Batting practice at 11:30.

Vicki St. Elmo: I'm a virgin.
MacGruber: Not for long.

Domingo: You guys even real cops? You look like kids in Halloween
Jenko: Hey! You want me to beat your dick off?
Domingo: You want to beat my dick off?
Schmidt: I think what he was trying to say was, he's gonna punch you so many times round the genital area that your dick's just gonna fall off.

Kip: So, how long are we takin' about workin'?
Uncle Rico: What? Are you? you're already losing your steam?
Kip: No. I just? I have a chat room meeting at 4:00. I gotta be back here by then.
Uncle Rico: All right, you just start a little earlier. That's all.
Kip: All right.
Uncle Rico: Or else work afterwards. How long's the chat room?
Kip: Geez, sometimes up to three, four hours maybe... maybe not. I don't know.
Uncle Rico: You... you? you pay the bills for that? Does that cost money every time you're on, like, for minutes on the phone?
Kip: Yeah. Grandma's still payin' per minute. She gets kinda pissed at me sometimes 'cause I'm on there so long.
Uncle Rico: I'll bet she does. I'll tell you something, I'd be throwin' you out the window.

Mark: Hey, vagina!
Andrew Largeman: Hey, what's up, guys? Uh, Sam, it's Mark, Dave, and you remember Jesse.
Jesse: Hey.
Sam: Hey.
Dave: What's up?
Mark: Hey, nice to meet you. I'm sorry I said vagina just now. I didn't know you were here.
Sam: Oh, that's okay.
Mark: Nice. Let's get fucked up.

You need to have a little faith, Tibby. Not everyone you love is going to leave you.

Brian McBrian

Behind every great man... is a woman rolling her eyes.


Donny: Phone's ringing, Dude.
The Dude: Thank you, Donny.

Randy Daytona: You killed him...
Feng: Well duh, what part of sudden death didn't you understand?

Grandma: How was school?
Napoleon Dynamite: The worst day of my life, what do you think?

Like a Viagra pill with a face!

P.K. Highsmith

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