[Watching Beth masturbate in the tub] Wow. This is graphic.

Andy Stitzer

Mac MacGuff: Who's the father?
Juno MacGuff: It's... it's Paulie Bleeker
[everyone stares]
Juno MacGuff: ... What?
Mac MacGuff: I didn't think he had it in him.
Leah: I know, right?

The only thing you're working on is diabetes you fat (expletive).


Vicki St. Elmo: I'm a virgin.
MacGruber: Not for long.

Thorny: Say Farva, you wanna take this dispatch?
Farva: Hell, yeah!
Thorny: Yeah, I bet you would.

Mac MacGuff: And this, of course, is Juno.
Mark Loring: Juno, like the city in Alaska?
Juno MacGuff: No.
Mark Loring: Oh okay...

I just got a shipment of Pineapple Express, the dopest dope I've ever smoked. Smellll it. It's like... God's vagina.


Ebby Calvin LaLoosh: You're playing with my mind.
Annie Savoy: I'm *trying* to play with your body.
Ebby Calvin LaLoosh: I knew it, you're trying to seduce me!
Annie Savoy: Well of course I'm trying to seduce you, for God's sake, and I'm doing a damn poor job of it... Aren't I pretty?
Ebby Calvin LaLoosh: God, I think you're real cute.
Annie Savoy: Cute? Baby ducks are cute, I HATE cute! I want to be exotic, and mysterious!
Ebby Calvin LaLoosh: You are, you're exotic, and mysterious, and... cute... and... That's why I'd better leave.

Red: [points to his armpits] You see this? There's no hair under here!
Dale Denton: What's the significance of that?
Red: It makes me aerodynamic, for fighting!

Like a Viagra pill with a face!

P.K. Highsmith

Boy, I could sure use some cupcakes or peanut butter cups right now.


You can do it. Cut his fucking head off.


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