Ty Webb: This your place, Carl?
Carl Spackler: Yeah, whatta ya think?
Ty Webb: It's really... awful.
Carl Spackler: Well, I got a lot of stuff on order. You know... credit trouble.

Donny: Phone's ringing, Dude.
The Dude: Thank you, Donny.

[Watching Beth masturbate in the tub] Wow. This is graphic.

Andy Stitzer

Pat: How old are you?
Tiffany: Old enough to have a marriage end and not wind up in a mental hospital.

Domingo: You guys even real cops? You look like kids in Halloween
Jenko: Hey! You want me to beat your dick off?
Domingo: You want to beat my dick off?
Schmidt: I think what he was trying to say was, he's gonna punch you so many times round the genital area that your dick's just gonna fall off.

When did you go through puberty? Like at seven or something?

Mr. Walters

The only thing you're working on is diabetes you fat (expletive).

Costa

Jake: Car's got a lot of pickup.
Elwood: It's got a cop motor, a 440 cubic inch plant, it's got cop tires, cop suspensions, cop shocks. It's a model made before catalytic converters so it'll run good on regular gas. What do you say, is it the new Bluesmobile or what?
Jake: Fix the cigarette lighter.

Sorry I'm late. I was busy having sex. A lot.

Katie Van Waldenberg

Ladies and gentlemen, you are such a wonderful crowd, we'd like to play a little tune for you. It's one of my personal favorites and I'd like to dedicate it to a young man who doesn't think he's seen anything good today - Cameron Frye, this one's for you.

Ferris Bueller

Grandma: How was school?
Napoleon Dynamite: The worst day of my life, what do you think?

You can do it. Cut his fucking head off.

Townie

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