David: You know how I know you're gay?
Cal: How?
David: Your dick tastes like shit.

Chef: Haven't you heard of the Emancipation Proclamation?
General: I don't listen to hip-hop.

The Dude: And, you know, he's got emotional problems, man.
Walter Sobchak: You mean... beyond pacifism?

Skipper: We've lost engine one.
Private: And engine two is no longer on fire.
Kowalski: [on the microphone] This is your captain speaking. I have good news and bad news. The good news is that we will be landing immediately.
[everyone claps]
Kowalski: The bad news is we're crash landing.

Barry Badrinath: I was in Thailand, playing Ping-Pong in Ding Dang. I was in a real high-stakes game in some opium den. Turned out the guys I was playing aren't the kind of guys who like to lose. After I beat them... they beat me. Worked me over pretty good. And this is hard to say... but they held me down... and they shoved a ping pong paddle up my ass. It's never been the same. I'm damaged goods.
Steve "Fink" Finklestein: Gosh, Barry, I'm so sorry. I don't know what I would do if somebody shoved a paddle handle up my ass.
Barry Badrinath: Wasn't the handle. I've been shitting pancakes ever since.

Jim: Look at my hand
[raises hand and holds it level]
Bart: Steady as a rock.
Jim: [raises other wobbling hand] Yeah but it shoot with this one.

Come on out. Oh, the weather outside is weather...

Surfing Instructor

Mike: Hi there, this is Mike Donnelly. I work over here at the recreational center. To be honest with you I pretty much run the place ha, ha, ha. Is this ah Pat Gyles? Good, Good. Hey, hope everything's going great in your fine town of er Avery? Edward! Ha, ha, ha. Say, the reason I'm calling is I wanted to tell you a little bit about the candidacy of Al Donnelly. Al Donnelly's a guy with a dream. His dream is to become governor of this great state of Washington. Hell, every guy's got his dream, am I right? Between you, me and the wall here, I doozy myself last night. Ha ha, ha, ha. Get this: A corn-fed harvest mouse, a hooker, a nun, a Flemish peasant woman, whips, chains, whistles yo-yo's, a circus midget. My grandmother riding by on a bicycle give me the finger, and a duck! Now, I don't know ha, ha, ha. Are you crying? Oh my lord. I am sorry honey, please don't ! Could you get your daddy on the phone. No, don't hang up please I...

Samuel Jackson Look-Alike: I have had it with these goddamn snakes on this goddamn plane!
Susan: Oh, I know, please help!
Samuel Jackson Look-Alike: I have had it with these goddamn snakes on this goddamn plane!
Susan: I know...
Samuel Jackson Look-Alike: I have had it with these goddamn snakes on this goddamn plane!
Susan: Why do you keep saying that?
Samuel Jackson Look-Alike: Because internet bloggers love when I say, "I have had it with these goddamn snakes on this goddamn plane!"
Susan: Why are you yelling?
Samuel Jackson Look-Alike: Shut up, bitch! I'm always yelling! I'm Samuel Goddamn Jackson!
Susan: [Shocked] Bitch?
["Samuel Jackson" grabs Susan and throws her from the plane]

Six weeks ago Abdul here had a one way ticket to an arranged marriage with a broad he never met in Bangladesh. Now he's crushing ass every Thursday night at our mixers

Beanie

You don't want girls to think you suck dick at fucking pussy.

Seth

He's playing fetch... with my kids... he's treating my kids like they're dogs.

Debbie

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