Brennan Huff: This house is a fucking prison!
Dale Doback: On Planet Bullshit!
Brennan Huff: In the galaxy of This Sucks Camel Dicks!

Your face smells like peppermint!

Aaron Samuels

Junior O'Daniel: We could hire our own midget, even shorter than his.
Pappy O'Daniel: Wouldn't we look like a bunch of Johnny-come-latelies, bragging on our own midget, doesn't matter how stumpy.

Cruiser: I joined the army 'cause my father and my brother were in the army. I figured I better join before I got drafted.
Sergeant Hulka: Son, there ain't no draft no more.
Cruiser: There was one?

It is YOUR LUCKY DAY... to be baptized into the Greek Orthodox Church!

Gus Portokalos

Andrew Largeman: I think we've corrupted this innocent girl enough for one day!
Sam: I'm not innocent.
Andrew Largeman: Yes, you are! That's what I like about you, okay? And I don't want this guy taking you to some sketchy quarry in the middle of Newark to find crack whores huffing turpentine or pit bulls raping each other or whatever else is down here!

Is it like a thousand degrees here or is it just me? It's me.

Carter Duryea

Diego: Does it come with balloons?
Mark: What am I, a birthday clown? NO! It doesn't come with balloons. Suck it off the tap!

Andrew Largeman: So knock... knock and barter for Desert Storm trading cards.
Mark: Don't tease me about my hobbies. I don't tease you about being an asshole.

Lou Brown: I have something I think you all ought to know about. It seems that Mrs. Phelps doesn't think too highly of our worth. She put this team together because she thought we'd be bad enough to finish dead last, knocking attendance down to the point where she could move the team to Miami... and get rid of all of us for better personnel.
Roger Dorn: Even me?
Lou Brown: Even you, Dorn.
Eddie Harris: What if we DON'T finish last?
Lou Brown: She'll REPLACE you with somebody who WILL. After this season, you'll be sent back to the minors or given your outright release.
Jake Taylor: Well then I guess there's only one thing left to do.
Roger Dorn: What's that?
Jake Taylor: Win the whole fucking thing.
Willie Mays Hayes: [Willie stands up] Yeah!
Pedro Cerrano: [Pedro pounds his hand] YES!

Second base... shit.

Jake Taylor

Becca Crane: Jacob, run!
[Jacob jumps above Becca and lands in his chihuahua form. Becca disbelievingly]
Becca Crane: A chihuahua?

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