Favorite Comedy Quotes
Stu Price: Fuck!
Alan Garner: Your language is offensive.
It is YOUR LUCKY DAY... to be baptized into the Greek Orthodox Church!Gus Portokalos
Hey, Cameron. You realize if we played by the rules right now we'd be in gym?Ferris Bueller
Sounds like big trouble. You're going to need plenty of legal advice before this thing is over. As your attorney, I advise you to rent a very fast car with no top. And you'll need the cocaine. Tape recorder for special messages. Acapulco shirts. Get the hell out of L.A. for at least 48 hours.Dr. Gonzo
You are the greatest player I have ever seen. Besides my self, practicing in front of a mirror... which I do... everyday... in the nude.Karl Wolfschtagg
Rachel: I'm with B.N.S.
Kelly Robinson: Yeah, what's B.N.S. stand for? Bitch that Needs some Slapping?
I need to be helped. I need you to rub my back, put me in my onesie...whatever you need to do baby, I'm yours!Cedric
Ebby Calvin LaLoosh: How come you don't like me?
Crash Davis: Because you don't respect yourself, which is your problem. But you don't respect the game, and that's my problem. You got a gift.
Ebby Calvin LaLoosh: I got a what?
Crash Davis: You got a gift. When you were a baby, the Gods reached down and turned your right arm into a thunderbolt. You got a Hall-of-Fame arm, but you're pissing it away.
Ebby Calvin LaLoosh: I ain't pissing nothing away. I got a Porsche already; a 911 with a quadrophonic Blaupunkt.
Crash Davis: Christ, you don't need a quadrophonic Blaupunkt! What you need is a curveball! In the show, everyone can hit heat.
Ebby Calvin LaLoosh: Well, how would you know? YOU been in the majors?
Crash Davis: Yeah, I've been in the majors.
Lester Bangs: That's because we're uncool. And while women will always be a problem for us, most of the great art in the world is about that very same problem. Good-looking people don't have any spine. Their art never lasts. They get the girls, but we're smarter.
William Miller: I can really see that now.
[to his Asian companion] I hear this place is restricted, Wang, so don't tell 'em you're Jewish, okay?Al Czervik
You know what I'd like to do to her? Something I call the Dirty Fozzie.Ted
Don't worry, it could be worse - he could be a white guy.Medicine Man