Favorite Comedy Quotes
Stu Price: You do know counting cards is illegal, right?
Alan Garner: It's not illegal, it's just frowned upon. Like masturbating in an airplane.
Phil Wenneck: I'm pretty sure that's illegal, too.
Human beings were not meant to sit in little cubicles staring at computer screens all day, filling out useless forms and listening to eight different bosses drone on about about mission statements.Peter Gibbons
Deb: What are you drawing?
Napoleon Dynamite: A liger.
Deb: What's a liger?
Napoleon Dynamite: It's pretty much my favorite animal. It's like a lion and a tiger mixed... bred for its skills in magic.
John Beckwith: [about Chaz] He lived with his mom till he was forty! She tried to poison his oatmeal!
Jeremy Grey: Erroneous! Erroneous! Erroneous on both accounts!
Jimmy: So Coach, I was thinking about the music for our routine.
Chazz: We're going to skate to one song, and one song [sings] I'm gonna get you get you drunk, get you drunk off my lady humps. My humps, my humps, my lovely lady lumps.
Jimmy: How do you even know what that means?
Chazz: No one knows what it means, but it's provocative.
Jimmy: No it's not, it's...
Chazz: It gets the people GOING!
That's life. If nothing else, its life. It's real, and sometimes it fuckin' hurts, but it's sort of all we have.Sam
Richard: Sarcasm is the refuge of losers.
Richard: Sarcasm is losers trying to bring winners down to their level.
Frank: Thank you for opening my eyes to what a loser I am!
[drunk, he sees a fake a penguin] It's too damn hot for a penguin to be just walkin' around. I gotta send you back to the South Pole.Billy Madison
[possessed by Zuul] Take me now, subcreature.Dana Barrett
Jeremy Grey: Have you ever shot one of these things before?
John Beckwith: The whole 17 years we've known each other I've been sneaking off to go on little hunting trips around the world. No, I don't even know what the fuck a quail is!
Jeremy Grey: I look totally ridiculous. Like why do I have to be in camouflage? So the big bad quail doesn't see me?
John Beckwith: I know. Why can't we hunt something cool like a hawk or an eagle, something with some talons?
Jeremy Grey: That'd be awesome. We could get something like big game. Even like a gorilla or a rhinoceros or a fucking human being! That'll get you jacked up.
HEY MOM! CAN WE GET SOME MEATLOAF?Chazz Reinhold
[imitating Becca] Oh Evan, thank you for bringing that lube for my pussy. I never would've been able to handle your four inch dick inside my pussy without that gigantic bottle of lube.Seth