Favorite Comedy Quotes
Not you, fat Jesus.Officer Franklin
Nobody drink the beer, the beer has gone bad!William
[scolding Billy in the hallway] Making fun of a kid for trying to read! Are you psycho? Do you not have a soul?Veronica Vaughn
Mr. Chow: You gonna fuck on me?
Alan Garner: Nobody's gonna fuck on you! I'm on your side! I hate Godzilla! I hate him too! I hate him! He destroys cities! *Please*! This isn't your fault. I'll get you some pants.
Maury Ballstein: What do we do when we fall off the horse?
Derek Zoolander: [thoughtfully looking up and mouthing the words silently] ... fall off the horse...
Maury Ballstein: [looking to supply finish] ... we... get back on!
Derek Zoolander: Sorry, Maury. I'm not a gymnast.
Randal Graves: Since when did "porch monkey" suddenly become a racial slur?
Dante Hicks: When ignorant racists started saying it a hundred years ago.
Randal Graves: Oh bullshit. My grandmother used to call me a 'porch monkey' all the time when I was a kid, because I'd sit on the porch and stare at my neighbors.
Dante Hicks: Despite the fact that your grandmother might've used it as a term of endearment for you, it's still a racial slur. It'd be like your grandmother calling you a little kike.
Randal Graves: No it is not. Plus my grandmother had nothing but the utmost respect for the Jewish community. When I was a kid, she'd always tell me to treat the Jewish kids well or they'd put the sheeny curse on me.
Dante Hicks: WHAT THE FUCK, MAN?
Randal Graves: What?
Archie: You are the sexiest, most beautiful girl I have ever seen... in my entire life.
Wanda: Get me my drink.
Dana Barrett: That's the bedroom, but nothing ever happened in there.
Dr. Peter Venkman: What a crime.
I've heard of popcorn in the face, but this is ridiculous!Martin Gary
Walter Sobchak: [shouting] Has the whole world gone crazy? Am I the only one around here who gives a shit about the rules? Mark it zero!
The Dude: They're calling the cops, put the piece away.
Walter Sobchak: Mark it zero!
[points gun in Smokey's face]
The Dude: Walter...
Walter Sobchak: [shouting] You think I'm fucking around here? Mark it zero!
Smokey: All right, it's fucking zero. Are you happy, you crazy fuck?
Walter Sobchak: ...It's a league game, Smokey.
[reading personals] "My daddy used to spank my bare bottom. Now he's gone. Will you take his place!?"Miles
(Yelling at Terry Hoitz) You should have shot A-Rod!Heckler