[to Asian gangsters] Your head is going up his ass, his head is going up his ass, and you get the short end of the straw, cause your head is going up my ass!


I'm one stomach flu away from reaching my goal weight.


Alan Garner: There's a jungle cat in the bathroom!
Phil Wenneck: [phil walks into the bathroom, then hurries out] Holy fuck he's not kidding. There's a tiger in the bathroom!

Mmmm... tastes good!

The Hammer

Seth: Its like a three thing... its like ball, dick, ball.
Evan: It's like a division sign... I just wish you would take those off.

I'm a sophisticated sex robot, sent back in time to change the future for one lucky lady.

Chuck Sherman

Kelly: Hey, you know who's got the killer bud?
[hits Klitz]
Kelly: This fucker right here.

Okay, so you're probably going, "Is this like a Noxzema commercial or what?" But seriously, I actually have a way normal life for a teenage girl.


Ursula: [talking into voice filter] Freeze motherfucker.
Foster: Oh, god, please don't shoot me. I'm naked.
Ursula: Drop your coat and grab your toes.
Foster: What?
Ursula: I'm gonna show you where the wild goos goes.
Foster: Uh, this isn't happening. I'm a police officer. Ursula, help.
Ursula: [still talking into the voice filter] Baby, I'm gonna butter your bread. [pause] You don't have these at your station?
Foster: [grabs the voice filter, and speaks into it] I don't suppose you have a fresh pair of underwear I can borrow?
Ursula: I'm not sure you could fit into my panties.

I told that Kraut a fuckin' thousand times, I don't roll on shabbos!

Walter Sobchak

I love acid... Cops!

College Kid

Evan: Yeah chicks go nuts for that... the male camel toe.
Seth: Yea yea! The camel tail.

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