Favorite Comedy Quotes
Bender: Remember how you said your parents use you to get back at each other? Claire Standish: [nods]
Bender: Wouldn't I be OUTSTANDING in that capacity?
Samir: You know what I would do if I had a million dollars? I would invest half of it in glorious mutual funds and take the other half over to my friend Asadulah who works in securities and-
Michael Bolton: Samir, you're missing the point. The point is you're supposed to work out what you
[printer starts beeping]
Michael Bolton: "PC Load Letter" !? What the fuck does that mean?
Were these magic grits? Did you get these grits from the same guy who sold Jack his bean stalk beans?Vinny Gambini
Have you ever had a whitehead on your eyeball, Mary?Dom
Number Two: Why not use your knowledge of the future to play the stock markets? We could make trillions.
Dr. Evil: Why make a trillion when we could make... billions?
Scott: A trillion's more than a billion, numb nuts.
Announcer: We haven't seen Happy Gilmore play this badly since his first day on tour. He and Bob Barker are now dead last.
Bob Barker: I can't believe you're a professional golfer. I think you should be working at the snack bar.
Happy Gilmore: You better relax, Bob.
Bob Barker: There is no way that you could have been as bad at hockey as you are at golf.
Happy Gilmore: All right, let's go.
Kirby: Your packet has tickets in it, and there's your badge number.
Kirby: Is there anything else?
Richard: Uh, yeah. Is there a funeral home around here?
Austin: Hello, Mummy. Can I have some chocolates? I want some Mars Bars. Don't smack my bottom, Mummy...
Felicity Shagwell: Austin?
Austin: Sorry, love. I got stuck in your dirty pillows.
Joey: [holding up headshots] Which one do you like better?
Bianca: Umm, I think I like the white shirt better.
Joey: Yeah, it's-it's more...
Joey: Damn, I was going for thoughtful.
Well, Dude, we just don't know.Brandt
Westley: Why can't I move? Why am I up against this wall?
Fezzik: You've been mostly dead all day!
Nacho: [after lifting Esqueleto over the wall at Ramses party] What about me?
Esqueleto: I don't think I can lift you. You are too fat.