Favorite Comedy Quotes
Happy Gilmore: I'd like to punch that guy in the face right now. But I can't, you know, because I'd get in trouble. I bet you get a lot of that on "Let's Make A Deal."
Bob Barker: It's "The Price Is Right," Happy.
Happy Gilmore: Oh, yeah. Sorry.
Bob Barker: It happens. Let's play some golf.
Happy Gilmore: Okay.
Mini Me, if I ever lost you I don't know what I would do. [pauses] I'd probably move on and get another clone but there would be a 15 minute period there where I would just be inconsolable.Dr. Evil
Carl: I ate some Triscuit crackers in the car, you should have had some.
Eric: Well, maybe if you told me they were delicious Triscuit crackers I could have enjoyed them with you.
Carl: I'm sorry.
Eric: Well, "sorry" doesn't put the Triscuit crackers in my stomach now, does it Karl?
(Allen finds his precious missing car has been recovered)
Cop: From bodily fluids and hair samples we determined that... a bunch of old homeless dudes had an orgy in there.
Allen Gamble: Oh God.
Cop: It's called a 'soup kitchen'. ...A mama raccoon came along and gave birth on the floor, placenta blew out all over the back window there.
I feel like I'm in 2 Fast 2 Furious.Aaron Green
Patrick: I thought you wanted out.
Cameron: Yeah, well, I did, but, uh... that was until she kissed me.
Cameron: In the car.
Ty Webb: Let me just clean this up here...
[lifts up bow and arrow]
Ty Webb: Getting ready for the season.
Lacey Underall: Duck?
Ty Webb: No... dolphin.
Judge Smails: Ty, what did you shoot today?
Ty Webb: Oh, Judge, I don't keep score.
Judge Smails: Then how do you measure yourself with other golfers?
Ty Webb: By height.
Michael Newman: [in a flashback of his and Donna's first kiss, just as it occurs] Yeah!
Janine: [offscreen] Donna!
[appears onscreen dressed as a punk, sees them kissing]
Janine: Donna - Oh, my God! I'm so horny now.
Michael Newman: Oh, God. Get me out of here.
Seth: Yeah, but it doesn't actually show dick going in which is a huge concern.
Evan: I didn't realize that.
Are we gonna get it on now?Ricky Bobby
Alan Garner: [while picking up a friend at the school where he works] Did you have to park this close?
Doug Billings: Yeah, why?
Alan Garner: I just... I can't be here.
Doug Billings: What do you mean?
Alan Garner: I'm not supposed to be within two hundred feet of a church... or a Chuckeee Cheeze.