Favorite Comedy Quotes
Ace Ventura: Holy testicle Tuesday.
Lois Einhorn: What the hell is he doing here?
Ace Ventura: I came to confess. I was the second gunman on the grassy knoll.
James Carter: Hey Lee! What are you doing?
James Carter: Dancing! Man, im up here working, putting my life on the line, and you up here messing around, dancing with some Bimbo... Does she have a friend?
Damn skippy!Stephanie Plum
Kenny: What do you mean comin' up in my place and embarrassin' me in front of my wife, my child and my friends.
James Carter: You embarassin' yourself, man, you're a black man with a Chinese restaurant on Crenshaw.
You got knocked the fuck out... gimme my goddamn money... yeah payback's a motherfucker, Nigga.Smokey
Lucy: [Reading a hidden message on a painting] "So lame the hair of Tom"
[Looks toward a painting a Tom Hanks with his long hair in "The Da Vinci Code"]
Lucy: Wait. "Lame." "Lame" is a-- "Lame" is a seven-letter word.
Chon Wang: What happened my horse? Is he dead?
Roy O'Bannon: No, but we are, Chon.
Thorny: Where are your shoes?
Foster: What are you, the shoe police now?
Thorny: I am, and you owe me 20 laps around the bar.
Foster: Black magic only works on the rookie.
Thorny: That's brown magic.
Mrs. Nordberg, I think we can save your husband's arm. Where would you like it sent?Nurse #2
My dream was to help my hometown, a small island hidden under the A in Atlantic, called Swallow Falls. We were one of the leading exporters of sardines, until the day Baby Brent Sardine cannery closed when everyone realized that sardines... are super gross. So everyone was stuck eating all the sardines that nobody wanted. Frozen, boiled, dried, fried, candied and juiced. Life was gray and flavorless, but when things seem hopeless, I stared down at defeat, and found hope.Flint Lockwood
What in the world?Pageant Official Jenkins
I don't have to run away and live in the street. I can run away and I can go to the ocean, I can go to the country, I can go to the mountains. I could go to Israel, Africa, Afghanistan.Allison Reynolds