Favorite Comedy Quotes
Listen, not a year goes by, not a year, that I don't hear about some escalator accident involving some bastard kid which could have easily been avoided had some parent - I don't care which one - but some parent conditioned him to fear and respect that escalator.Brodie
"Due to our tight fiscal situation, we regret to inform you we are still going to have to close your station. Good luck in Sherbune, John. And give your men my best. Sincerely, Governor Fuckhead."Captain O'Hagan
Dr. Evil: You see, I've turned the moon into what I like to call a "Death Star."
Dr. Evil: What?
Scott: Oh, nothing, Darth.
Dr. Evil: What did you call me?
Scott: [pretends to sneeze] Ripoff.
Dr. Evil: Bless you.
Willy: Children, do you wanna know what makes all my candy taste so special?
Willy: It's a special secret ingredient. It's real human parts. There's gonna be a little itty bitty piece of each and every one of you inside of the yummy yum candy, literally.
Ty Webb: Guys, don't include me in this.
Al Czervik: Come on, Ty, you're an ace. Everybody knows it.
Ty Webb: I don't play golf, for money, against people.
Al Czervik: What are you, religious or something?
Ty Webb: You might say that.
Claire Cleary: Are you OK?
John Beckwith: Yeah, I'm just swinging the jib for your dad, starboard.
Claire Cleary: But starboard's *this* way.
John Beckwith: That's right. What am I thinking? I'm used to sailing down under with the kiwis so everything's backwards and the toilets when you flush them, the water spins the opposite way. Really freaks you out the first time you see it.
Dr. Peter Venkman: To our first costumer.
Dr Ray Stantz: To our *first* and *only* costumer.
Dr. Peter Venkman: I'm gonna need to draw some petty cash. I should take her out to dinner. We don't wanna lose her.
Dr Ray Stantz: Uhhh... this magnificent feast here represents the *last* of the petty cash.
Dr. Peter Venkman: Slow down. Chew your food.
Not at the table, Jose!Alan Garner
You better not cut my head off!Chazz
Isabel Bigelow: Guess what? I'm a witch!
Jack Wyatt: Guess what? I'm a Clippers fan!
Cody Maverick: Good ol' Shiverpool.
[makes fart noise]
Cody Maverick: Heh-heh. This place sucks, bro.
Who does shit like that?Mike Tyson