Favorite Comedy Quotes
Commander Gilmour: Oh my God, he's back.
Johnson Ritter: In many ways, Bob's Big Boy never left, sir. He's always offered the same high quality meals at competitive prices.
You can't go. All the plants are gonna die.John Winger
Hey, there's even a fridge! You could put six packs of be..... [glances at his dad] ... soda in here!Tommy
Little Girl: [looking at a Magic Eye poster] Wow. It's a schooner.
Willam Black: Ha ha ha ha. You dumb bastard. It's not a schooner... it's a Sailboat.
Little Boy: A schooner IS a sailboat stupid head.
Willam Black: [becoming enraged] You know what. There is NO Easter Bunny. Over there, that's just a guy in a suit.
Thurgood Jenkins: I be from Jamaica, mon. Lord have mercy.
Samson Simpson: What part of Jamaica?
Thurgood Jenkins: Right near da beach. Boy-eeee!
I was right in the middle of a fucking reptile zoo, and somebody was giving booze to these goddamn things. Won't be long now before they tear us to shreds.Raoul Duke
Caroline: [holding her son's dirty hand] Is this chocolate or poop? Is this chocolate or poop?!
Caroline: [licks son's hand and smiles] It's chocolate!
Kate Holbrook: What if that had been poop?!
Oh I know I don't think I see what I see what I'm thinking. I know good and well yâ€™all ain't gambling back here, this supposed to be a Chinese Restaurant!James Carter
Jehovah's Witness: Are you prepared for Jehovah's return? 'Cause if you're not, we've got a pam...
[Craig slams the door in their faces]
Jehovah's Witness: Well fuck you. Half-dead motherfucker. Come on, sister.
Peter Klaven: I'm Peter Klaven, I'm the Realtor.
Sydney Fife: Hey check out these too. That guy needs to fart.
Peter Klaven: He does seem to be clenching.
Sydney Fife: Watch the leg... Boom!
Peter Klaven: He farted in my open house.
Sydney Fife: He sure did.
Dale Doback: I manage a baseball team.
Nancy Huff: Oh, little league?
Dale Doback: Fantasy league.
[talking to Deacon] I know you don't want to go to jail in Mexico because nobody wants to go to jail in Mexico. They put all kinds of burritos in your ass.Miles Logan