Favorite Comedy Quotes
[Reading from a manuscript of what Bruce said the previous evening] "The gloves are off, God.", "God has taken my bird and my bush.", "God is a mean kid with a magnifying glass.", "Smite me, O Mighty Smiter." Now, I'm not big on blasphemy, but that last one made me laugh.God
White Goodman: We should mate.
Kate Veatch: What?
White Goodman: Date! We should date some time. Socially. Go out and kick it.
[Kate retches, then forces it down]
White Goodman: Are you okay?
Kate Veatch: I'm fine. I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.
White Goodman: In some cultures, they only eat vomit. I never been there, but I read about it... *in a book*.
Prince Akeem: Sir, did you happen to catch the professional football contest on television last night?
Cleo McDowell: No, I didn't.
Prince Akeem: Oh sir, the Giants of New York took on the Packers of Green Bay. And in the end, the Giants triumphed by kicking an oblong ball made of pigskin through a big "H". It was a most ripping victory.
Cleo McDowell: Son.
Prince Akeem: Yes?
Cleo McDowell: If you want to keep working here, stay off the drugs.
Prince Akeem: Yes
Mike Lowrey: Hello?
Marcus Burnett: We're your new neighbors.
Mike Lowrey: Don't be alarmed, we're negros.
Marcus Burnett: Naw man, naw. There's too much bass in your voice. That scares white folks. You got to sound like them.
Marcus Burnett: We were wondering if we could borrow some brown sugar...?
Pinchers of power! You guys! I've been saved by my Pinchers of Power!Richard 'Data' Wang
Larry's evil conscience: Fuck her. Fuck her brains out! Suck her tits, squeeze her buns. You know she wants it.
Larry's good conscience: For shame! Lawrence, I'm surprised at you!
Larry's evil conscience: Aw, don't listen to that jackoff. Look at those gazongas. You'll never get a better chance.
Larry's good conscience: If you lay one finger on that poor sweet helpless girl, you'll despise yourself forever... I'm proud of you, Lawrence.
Larry's evil conscience: You homo.
You can't go. All the plants are gonna die.John Winger
Lois Einhorn: What would you know about pressure.
Ace Ventura: Well, I have kissed a man.
[on message board] All you motherfuckers are gonna pay. You are the ones who are the ball-lickers. We're gonna fuck your mothers while you watch and cry like little bitches. Once we get to Hollywood and find those Miramax fucks who are making that movie, we're gonna make 'em eat our shit, then shit out our shit, then eat their shit which is made up of our shit that we made 'em eat. Then you're all you motherfucks are next. Love, Jay and Silent Bob.Jay
All right, listen up! All the Triads and the ugly women on this side, and all the fine women on this side, right now!James Carter
Officer Smy: [to Ursula] If you were my wife, I'd take you down a peg or two.
Officer Smy: Hey douche bag.
Foster: [to Ursula] If you were my wife, I'd massage your feet 'til you fell asleep.
Ursula: Nice try.
Peter Klaven: I'm Peter Klaven, I'm the Realtor.
Sydney Fife: Hey check out these too. That guy needs to fart.
Peter Klaven: He does seem to be clenching.
Sydney Fife: Watch the leg... Boom!
Peter Klaven: He farted in my open house.
Sydney Fife: He sure did.