Favorite Comedy Quotes
Simone: Do you have any dreams?
Pee-wee: Yeah, I'm all alone. I'm rolling a big doughnut and this snake wearing a vest...
Martha Stewart, Oprah, your wife. You gotta fuck one, kill one, and marry one, who do you pick?Dale Doback
Westley: I mean, if we only had a wheelbarrow, that would be something.
Inigo Montoya: Where we did we put that wheelbarrow the albino had?
Fezzik: Over the albino, I think.
Westley: Well, why didn't you list that among our assets in the first place?
Waitress: For one?
Carter: No, for two, I'm here for a meeting with Mr. Juntao.
Waitress: I'm sorry I do not know Mr. Juntao.
Carter: Look maybe you don't understand, I'm Mr. Juntao's lawyer, legal advisor, he got into some shit again and he told me to come down here and I'm a very busy man, ain't got time to be down here this late but I'm down here, my wife want me to come home, my baby is shittin' all over the house, he needs diapers, would you please go get Mr. Juntao?
Oh I know I don't think I see what I see what I'm thinking. I know good and well yâ€™all ain't gambling back here, this supposed to be a Chinese Restaurant!James Carter
Bender: You load up, you party?
Brian Johnson: Uhh, no, actually, we dress up.
You put the weed in the coconut, and light that shit up.Edmundo
Quartermaster Clerk: One Swedish-made penis enlarger.
Austin Powers: [to Vanessa] That's not mine.
Quartermaster Clerk: One credit card receipt for Swedish-made penis enlarger signed by Austin Powers.
Austin Powers: I'm telling ya baby, that's not mine.
Quartermaster Clerk: One warranty card for Swedish-made penis enlarger pump, filled out by Austin Powers.
Austin Powers: I don't even know what this is! This sort of thing ain't my bag, baby.
Quartermaster Clerk: One book, "Swedish-made Penis Enlargers And Me: This Sort of Thing Is My Bag Baby", by Austin Powers.
Just remember, you shake it more than twice you're playing with it.Bathroom Attendant
Nigel Tufnel: The sustain, listen to it.
Marty DiBergi: I don't hear anything.
Nigel Tufnel: Well you would though, if it were playing.
Tommy: Hmmm. He seems like a nice guy.
Richard Hayden: This is the guy trying to buy the company, not to mention put you out on the street, and all you can say is, "Hmmm, he seems like a nice guy!"
You can't go. All the plants are gonna die.John Winger