Favorite Comedy Quotes
The eyes are the nipples of the face.Shelley
MacGruber: I just took an upper-decker in the master bathroom.
Vicki St. Elmo: Upper-decker?
MacGruber:Yeah, it's where you take a shit in the water tank and not the bowl... You look great.
Larry's evil conscience: Fuck her. Fuck her brains out! Suck her tits, squeeze her buns. You know she wants it.
Larry's good conscience: For shame! Lawrence, I'm surprised at you!
Larry's evil conscience: Aw, don't listen to that jackoff. Look at those gazongas. You'll never get a better chance.
Larry's good conscience: If you lay one finger on that poor sweet helpless girl, you'll despise yourself forever... I'm proud of you, Lawrence.
Larry's evil conscience: You homo.
Martha Stewart, Oprah, your wife. You gotta fuck one, kill one, and marry one, who do you pick?Dale Doback
Don't give me a diamond, just give me a big closet.Carrie Bradshaw
Simone: Do you have any dreams?
Pee-wee: Yeah, I'm all alone. I'm rolling a big doughnut and this snake wearing a vest...
Hey, there's even a fridge! You could put six packs of be..... [glances at his dad] ... soda in here!Tommy
Jehovah's Witness: Are you prepared for Jehovah's return? 'Cause if you're not, we've got a pam...
[Craig slams the door in their faces]
Jehovah's Witness: Well fuck you. Half-dead motherfucker. Come on, sister.
You're an emotional fucking cripple. Your soul is dog shit. Every single fucking thing about you is ugly.Marcus
Lloyd: What's the matter, Har? Some little filly break your heart?
Harry: No, it was a girl.
Sometimes a bowler just has to face the music.Ernie McCracken
Neighbor: Hey Roy, can you get sick from drinking piss?
Roy: I think you can.
Neighbor: Even if its your own?