Favorite Comedy Quotes
El Guapo: Jefe, what is a plethora?
Jefe: Why, El Guapo?
El Guapo: Well, you just told me that I had a plethora, and I would just like to know if you know what it means to have a plethora. I would not like to think that someone would tell someone else he has a plethora, and then find out that that person has *no idea* what it means to have a plethora.
Jefe: El Guapo, I know that I, Jefe, do not have your superior intellect and education, but could it be that once again, you are angry at something else, and are looking to take it out on me?
Scarface: You said you gave Mary Jane a pearl necklace!
Thurgood Jenkins: Obviously you missed the whole point of that story.
Ace Ventura: This is double-paned sound-proof glass. There is no way that neighbor could've heard Roger Podacter scream on the way down with that door shut. The scream she heard came from inside the apartment before he was thrown over the balcony and the murderer closed the door before he left. Yes. Yes. Oh, yeah. Can ya feel that, buddy? Huh? Huh? Huh?
[mimics Tangina character from Poltergeist movie]
Ace Ventura: I have exorcised the demons... this house is clear.
You on the motorcycle... You two girls... tell your friends.Elwood
Son, you're about as useful as a poopy-flavored lollipop.Patches O'Houlihan
[singing along with the radio] Don't you wish your girlfriend was as hot like me? Don't you wish your girlfriend was a FREAK like me?Rasputia
Grandpa: She doesn't get eaten by the eels at this time.
The Grandson: What?
Grandpa: The eel doesn't get her. I'm explaining to to because you look nervous.
The Grandson: I wasn't nervous. Maybe I was a little bit... concerned, but that's not the same thing.
Saul Silver: What's up with the suit?
Dale Denton: Oh, I'm a process server, so I have to wear a suit.
Saul Silver: Wow, you're a servant? Like a butler? A chauffeur?
Dale Denton: No, no. What? No, I'm not like..
Saul Silver: Shine shoes?
Dale Denton: I'm a "process server!"
Donkey: Hi, princess.
Princess Fiona: It talks.
Shrek: Yeah, but it's getting him to shut up that's the trick.
Brodie: Look, if I had any kind of glow it's because I just got laid. I would look the same had I banged anyone in that elevator... present company excluded.
T.S. Quint: Deny it all you want. I think that you're too proud to admit that you want her back.
Brodie: I suddenly want something very bad to happen to you.
[TS elbows Gwen in the chest, she hits him in the groin]
Brodie: See, that's what you get for fucking with me.
Mikita's Manager, Glen: Yeah I know what you'd like to do. You'd like to find the guy who did it, rip his still beating heart out of his chest and hold it in front of his face so he can see how black it is before he dies.
Davy: Actually, I was thinking of filing a grievance with the union.
Mikita's Manager, Glen: Well, the world's a twisted place.
Henry VII: Put them in the iron maiden.
Ted: Iron Maiden?
Bill, Ted: Excellent!
Henry VII: Execute them.
Bill, Ted: Bogus!