Favorite Comedy Quotes
Saul Silver: What's up with the suit?
Dale Denton: Oh, I'm a process server, so I have to wear a suit.
Saul Silver: Wow, you're a servant? Like a butler? A chauffeur?
Dale Denton: No, no. What? No, I'm not like..
Saul Silver: Shine shoes?
Dale Denton: I'm a "process server!"
Scarface: You said you gave Mary Jane a pearl necklace!
Thurgood Jenkins: Obviously you missed the whole point of that story.
Carl Showalter: Geesus. Well, I got the money. All of it. All eighty grand. That's forty for you, forty for me. That's it, then. You can have my truck. I'm takin' the Ceira.
Gaear Grimsrud: We split that.
Carl Showalter: [pause] How'dya split a fucking car, ya dummy? With a fucking chainsaw?
Gaear Grimsrud: One of us pays the other for half.
Randy: Can I get you something?
Second Jive Dude: 'S'mofo butter layin' me to da' BONE! Jackin' me up... tight me!
Randy: I'm sorry, I don't understand.
First Jive Dude: Cutty say 'e can't HANG!
Jive Lady: Oh stewardess! I speak jive.
Randy: Oh, good.
Jive Lady: He said that he's in great pain and he wants to know if you can help him.
Randy: All right. Would you tell him to just relax and I'll be back as soon as I can with some medicine?
Jive Lady: [to the Second Jive Dude] Jus' hang loose, blood. She gonna catch ya up on da' rebound on da' med side.
Second Jive Dude: What it is, big mama? My mama no raise no dummies. I dug her rap!
Jive Lady: Cut me some slack, Jack! Chump don' want no help, chump don't GET da' help!
First Jive Dude: Say 'e can't hang, say seven up!
Jive Lady: Jive ass dude don't got no brains anyhow! Shiiiiit.
Semmi: But where in New York can one find a woman with grace, elegance, taste and culture? A woman suitable for a king.
Prince Akeem, Semmi: Queens!
Dry land is not a myth. I've seen it. Kevin Costner. Waterworld. I don't know what the big fuss is about. I saw that movie nine times. It rules!Chip Douglas
As Mr. Sloan always says, there is no "I" in team, but there is an "I" in pie. And there's an "I" in meat pie. Anagram of meat is team... I don't know what he was talking about.Shaun
Schmidt: Yo Sleepy, wus up homie!, everyone saying that Sleepy he like the Mexican wolverine
Scarface: Why you not talking?
Jenko: My name is Jeff
Paddy O'Brien: They're always after me lucky charms... What!? Why does everyone always laugh when I say that? They ARE after me lucky charms! What!?
Frau Farbissina: It's a television commercial. With this cartoon leprechaun, and all of these children are trying to chase him, "Hey, leprechaun, leprechaun man, we want to get your lucky charms." Oh! And there are these little tiny pieces of marshmallow just stuck right in the cereal. So when the kids eat them they think, "Ooh this is candy, I'm having fun!"
Trent: [to Mike] You know what you are? You're like a big bear with claws and with fangs...
Sue: ...big fucking teeth, man.
Trent: Yeah... big fuckin' teeth on ya'. And she's just like this little bunny, who's just kinda cowering in the corner.
Nancy B. Artingstall: Do you know what? You play it too safe.
Susan Cooper: Oh maybe you're right. I just... I still, you know, hear my mom's voice... "well-behaved women often make history."
Nancy B. Artingstall: Yes you do know the phrase is, "well-behaved women *seldom* make history."
Susan Cooper: Yeah that's never how she said it.
Nancy B. Artingstall: What were her others, uh...
Susan Cooper: Oh, "just blend in, let somebody else win."
Nancy B. Artingstall: Classic.
Susan Cooper: I got that a lot in high school. And there was, "give up on your dreams, Susan." She used to write that in my lunchbox.
Hey, there's even a fridge! You could put six packs of be..... [glances at his dad] ... soda in here!Tommy