Favorite Comedy Quotes
H.I.: Need a beer, Glen?
Glen: Does the Pope wear a funny hat?
Bill: Hey Ted? Wanna play 20 questions?
Ted: Okay! I got one!
Bill: Is it a mineral?
Bill: Are you a tank?
Ted: Whoa! Yeah!
I am angry. I mean I am spitting angry. I'm like a tornado of anger, swirling about.Phil Weston
White Goodman: We should mate.
Kate Veatch: What?
White Goodman: Date! We should date some time. Socially. Go out and kick it.
[Kate retches, then forces it down]
White Goodman: Are you okay?
Kate Veatch: I'm fine. I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.
White Goodman: In some cultures, they only eat vomit. I never been there, but I read about it... *in a book*.
Aunt Edna: You're the ones who sent me the fruitcake for Christmas. It made me so sick!
Ellen Griswold: Oh - we're sorry. We thought you enjoyed fruitcake.
Aunt Edna: Do you enjoy throwing up every five minutes Claude?
Aunt Edna: I thought so. Whew! Well am I gonna eat, or am I gonna starve to death?
[on parenting] It's like your Aunt Edna's ass. It goes on forever and it's just as frightening.Frank
David Skylark: Holy f***amole! A tank!
Kim Jong-un: It was a gift from my grandfather from Stalin.
David Skylark: In my country it’s pronounced Stallone.
Simone: Do you have any dreams?
Pee-wee: Yeah, I'm all alone. I'm rolling a big doughnut and this snake wearing a vest...
Donny: What the fuck is this?!
Spa worker: It's water infused with cucumber, rose petal and harvest sandalwood.
Donny: Tastes like fucking dick infused with balls.
Everytime I see a bag of Hershey's Kisses my balls get so wet.Neil Patrick Harris
Oh I know I don't think I see what I see what I'm thinking. I know good and well yâ€™all ain't gambling back here, this supposed to be a Chinese Restaurant!James Carter
Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit amphetamines.Steve McCroskey