Favorite Comedy Quotes
Martha Stewart, Oprah, your wife. You gotta fuck one, kill one, and marry one, who do you pick?Dale Doback
Francisco! That's fun to say! Francisco... Frannncisco... Franciscooo...Buddy
I'm putting together a team. Its filled with American heroes with over 100 years of combined combat experience... and a whole lot of brotherhood.MacGruber
Mary Wilke: I'm honest, whaddya want? I say what's on my mind and, if you can't take it, well then fuck off!
Isaac Davis: And I like the way you express yourself too, y'know, it's pithy yet degenerate. You get many dates?
Hoover: Kent is a legacy, Otter. His brother was a '59, Fred Dorfman.
Flounder: He said legacies usually get asked to pledge automatically.
Otter: Oh, well, usually. Unless the pledge in question turns out to be a real closet-case.
Otter, Boon: Like Fred.
I believe virtually everything I read, and I think that is what makes me more of a selective human than someone who doesn't believe anything.David St. Hubbins
Yes, I think I'll have the mahi-mahi, but can I get it with just one mahi?Shelley
[realizing how round his frame is] Whoa, I gotta lay off da nuts!Pip in Andalasia
I wish I were big.Young Josh
Assjuice: Do you know how many bj's they promised me?
Assjuice: Infinite bj's. They promised me infinite bj's
Few people understand the psychology of dealing with a highway traffic cop. A normal speeder will panic and immediately pull over to the side. This is wrong. It arouses contempt in the cop heart. Make the bastard chase you. He will follow. But he won't know what to make of your blinker signal that says you are about to turn right. This is to let him know you're pulling off for a proper place to talk. It will take him a moment to realize that he's about to make a 180 degree turn at speed, but you will be ready for it. Brace for the g's, and fast heel-toe work.Raoul Duke
Bradley Fine: [has gun pointed at Tihomir] Tell me where the bomb is. Ten seconds or you're dead.
Tihomir Boyanov: Interesting. You see, when my men and I hid it, I made sure to erase any witnesses. And then I erased the erasers. Which means, I'm now the only one who knows just where that dangerously compact and transportable nuke is. So... I'd say I have more than ten seconds.
Bradley Fine: Well then in that case, I'd say you'd better st- [sneezes, shoots Boyanov between the eyes]
Bradley Fine: Oh, fuck...
Susan Cooper: [on earpiece] Oh my God, why did you do that?
Bradley Fine: I didn't do it on purpose; there's like a ton of pollen in here!