Why's he calling me meat? I'm the one driving a Porsche.

Ebby Calvin LaLoosh

Bring the noise!

Danny Butterman

Sir Bedevere: What makes you think she's a witch?
Peasant 3: Well, she turned me into a newt!
Sir Bedevere: A newt?
Peasant 3: ...I got better.

He turned down a blow job from his ex-girlfriend. You know what that does to a man? It's called blue balls. He's like Gandhi! But better - he likes puppets!

Dwayne the Bartender

Norbit: Tuesday, Tuesday, Tuesday, Tuesday...
Rasputia: Say Tuesday again, you ain't gonna live to see Wednesday.

Brodie: You're giving up? You? You used to be stand-up guy, what happened to him? The guy who punched Amanda's gross-out mother after she called him "low class".
T.S. Quint: That wasn't me. It was you.
Brodie: Oh, yeah.
T.S. Quint: And it wasn't her mother, it was her grandmother.
Brodie: No wonder the bitch went down so fast.

Hey ump, get off your knees. You're blowing the game!

Stephen King

Steven: Can I get a knife or fork?
Wench: There were no utensils in medieval times, hence there are no utensils AT Medieval Times. Would you like a refill on that Pepsi?
Steven: There were no utensils but there was Pepsi?
Wench: Dude, I got a lot of tables.

Yeah, and I can't believe Liberace was gay. I mean, women loved him! I didn't see that one coming.

Austin Powers

Kirk Lazarus: Alpa and I are already wearin' Earth Mamma's natural night camo.
Alpa Chino: Cool it, Benson!

Princess Fiona: Shrek's hurt.
The Donkey: What? Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die!
Shrek: Donkey, I'm fine.
The Donkey: You can't die on me, Shrek! I'm too young for you to die! Keep your feet elevated! Turn your head and cough! Does anybody know the Heimlich?

Anybody interested in grabbing a couple of burgers and hittin' the cemetery?


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