Favorite Comedy Quotes
You're not a standup guy today, Pat!Tiffany
That ain't no woman! It's a man, man!Austin Powers
Jacob: "Guys! This is scientifically possible."
Lou: "Oh, my god. Okay, Professor Hawking, tell me in your robot voice how this is scientifically possible."
Step right up and shoot the pasties off the nipples of a ten foot bull dyke! Win a cotton candy goat!Clown Barker
Francisco! That's fun to say! Francisco... Frannncisco... Franciscooo...Buddy
Westley: Hear this now. I will always come for you.
Buttercup: But how can you be sure?
Westley: This is true love. You think this happens every day?
Earl Bassett: AHHH! AHHH!
Valentine McKee: What? What is it?
Earl Bassett: Damn prairie dog burrow.
Valentine McKee: Sons a bitches.
Kate Holbrook: I overreacted earlier. I'm sorry...
Angie Ostrowiski: I'm sorry I farted into your purse...
Gentlemen, you can't fight in here! This is the War Room.President Merkin Muffley
Pete: The Preacher said it absolved us.
Ulysses Everett McGill: For him, not for the law. I'm surprised at you, Pete, I gave you credit for more brains than Delmar.
Delmar O'Donnell: But they was witnesses that seen us redeemed.
Ulysses Everett McGill: That's not the issue Delmar. Even if that did put you square with the Lord, the State of Mississippi's a little more hard-nosed.
You're so money and you don't even know it!Trent
Police Liaison Officer: What the hell is that? What the hell is that?
Dale Denton: Oh, oh, it's a roach. It's a joint. I have anorexia. Honest I thought it was decriminalized.
Police Liaison Officer: Selling drugs to minors has *not* been decriminalized. I'm the police liaison officer with this school and I just saw a bunch of my kids comin' around the corner with their eyes as red as the devil's dick!