Favorite Comedy Quotes
Wait Vanessa, I can explain. You see, I was looking for Dr. Evil when the Fembots came out and smoke started coming out of their jomblies. So I started to work my mojo, to counter their mojo; we got cross-mojulation, and their heads started exploding.Austin Powers
Vinny Gambini: How many fingers am I holding up?
Judge Chamberlain Haller: Let the record show that counselor is holding up two fingers.
Vinny Gambini: Your Honor, please!
Casino Dealer: 17.
Number Two: Hit me.
Casino Dealer: You have 17, sir.
Number Two: I like to live dangerously.
Casino Dealer: 21. Very good, sir.
Austin Powers: [has 5] I'll stay.
Casino Dealer: I suggest you hit, sir.
Austin Powers: I also like to live dangerously.
Casino Dealer: 20 beat your 5 sir. I'm sorry, sir.
Austin Powers: Well I must admit, cards aren't my bag, baby.
Otter: Ah, she broke our date.
Boon: Washing her hair?
Otter: Dead mother.
Queen Elizabeth: You are an eager boy. Did you like the play?
John Webster: I liked it when she stabbed herself, Your Majesty.
William Shakespeare: His name is Mercutio.
Ned Alleyn: What's the name of the play?
William Shakespeare: Mercutio.
Philip Henslowe: It is?
William Shakespeare: Shh!
I like the smell of my hair treatment; the pleasing odor is half the point.Ulysses Everett McGill
Them syreens did this to Pete. They loved him up and turned him into a horny toad.Delmar O'Donnell
Nathan, Jr., accepts me for what I am! And I think you better had, too! You know I'm okay, you're okay! That there's what it is!H.I.
Edwina's insides were a rocky place where my seed could find no purchase.H.I.
Cellmate: ...and when there was no meat... we ate fowl... and when there was no fowl, we ate crawdad... and when there was no crawdad to be found, we ate sand.
H.I.: You ate what?
Cellmate: We ate sand.
H.I.: You ate SAND?
Cellmate: That's right.
Daphne Wilder: What are you gonna do with your hair? Maybe you oughta button these buttons, you look like you're asking for it.
Milly: I am asking for it!