[talking to Deacon] I know you don't want to go to jail in Mexico because nobody wants to go to jail in Mexico. They put all kinds of burritos in your ass.

Miles Logan

Missy: Oh my god, he just called Sissy 'Juggs'.
Chrissy: I'm on it.
[pulls out knife]
Jay: What's with the knife, we havin' cake or something?
Chrissy: Great, he's retarded to boot.
Jay: [to Silent Bob] Dude, she called you retarded.

[to Evian] Go drink a bottle of yourself!

Mary Katherine Gallagher

I am angry. I mean I am spitting angry. I'm like a tornado of anger, swirling about.

Phil Weston

In a world gone mad, we will not spank the monkey, but the monkey will spank us.

Jay

Jack Wyatt: Let's make love in a hot-air balloon - let's make love in a candy factory - let's make love in a petting zoo...
Isabel Bigelow: I have to undo this...
Jack Wyatt: Let's make love at Sea World on the back of a killer whale!

She's gonna fight my battles for me.

Roy

Chon Wang: See! I told you so!
Roy O'Bannon: No, you said "wet shirt don't break," not "piss shirt bend bar"!

When I was a young boy I used to look at pictures of naked ladies, hence my right hand is very strong. I touched myself more than a third base coach.

Tom Dobbs

Mr. Bialystock, I'm afraid you've mistaken me for someone with a spine.

Leo Bloom

Henry VII: Put them in the iron maiden.
Ted: Iron Maiden?
Bill, Ted: Excellent!
[air guitar]
Henry VII: Execute them.
Bill, Ted: Bogus!

Emperor Zurg: We meet again Buzz Lightyear... for the last time.
Buzz Lightyear: Not today, Zurg.

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