Favorite Comedy Quotes
You're the only boy who makes my heart beat faster and slower at the same time.Jessica
Let's turn on the juice and see what shakes loose.Beetlejuice
Wayne Campbell: So, do you come to Milwaukee often?
Alice Cooper: Well, I'm a regular visitor here, but Milwaukee has certainly had its share of visitors. The French missionaries and explorers began visiting here in the late 16th century.
Pete: Hey, isn't "Milwaukee" an Indian name?
Alice Cooper: Yes, Pete, it is. In fact , it's pronounced "mill-e-wah-que" which is Algonquin for "the good land."
Wayne Campbell: I was not aware of that.
[Hal is going to make his move on some unattractive girls]
Hal: I'm going for the one in the middle. You can have your pick of the other two.
Mauricio: So you get the hyena, and I have to choose between the hippo and the giraffe?
Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: Igor, would you give me a hand with the bags?
Igor: [doing a Groucho Marx] Certainly, you take the blonde and I'll take the one in the turban.
[heading towards an ox] I need to bite its hide... and wear its stomach like a unitard.Jeff Portnoy
Amber: Ms. Stoeger, my plastic surgeon doesn't want me doing any activity where balls fly at my nose.
Dionne: Well, there goes your social life.
So you see, my son, there is a very fine line between love and nausea.King Jaffe Joffer
J.T.: Hey there, little Yankee boy. Look what I got.
Vinny Gambini: What is it?
Vinny Gambini: Bring it here, let me see it.
[J.T. presents a roll of bills]
Vinny Gambini: How do I know that's not a bunch of ones with a twenty wrapped around it?
J.T.: [after short pause] It's two hundred bucks.
Vinny Gambini: Fan it out, show it to me.
[pause. J.T. stuffs the roll back in his pocket]
Vinny Gambini: Yeah, right.
Dr. Lewis Meldman: May I ask you a question doctor, and I don’t mean to be insensitive. But, does Dr. Pinchelow has Aspergers?
Lloyd Christmas: Probably, I know he doesn’t wipe very well.
Hell of a damn grave. Wish it were mine.Royal
Carol: You're a regular J.D.
John Milner: File that under uh, C.S. over there.
[hands her the ticket Holstein just issued him]
Carol: C.S.? What's that stand for?
John Milner: Chicken shit - that's what it is.
[puts the ticket in the glove compartment which is full of similar tickets]