Favorite Comedy Quotes
The pen is blue, the pen is blue, the goddamn pen is blue!Fletcher
"A Bridge Too Far." Caine and Hackman in the same movie. This is my thesis man! This is my closing argument! I CAN STOP WATCHING TV!Pigman
Pins and needles!Pigman
Go to sleep! Why won't you just go to sleep!Droz
[after crashing into a car dealership] The new Oldsmobiles are in early this year!Elwood
I'll have you know that I have the reflexes of a cat and the speed of a mongoose. Throw it. I DARE YOU!Ace
Charlotte A. Cavatica: Wilbur... we're born, we live, and when our time comes, we die. It's just a natural cycle of life.
Wilbur: No! Just climb down! I'll carry you the rest of the way! We'll go back to the barn and I'll take care of you!
Charlotte A. Cavatica: No, Wilbur... I don't even have the strength to climb down.
For God's sake, Jim, I'm a doctor, not a pool man!Ace Ventura
Jake: [faking accent to guy in restaurant] Hey. How much for the little girl? How much for the women?
Jake: Your women. I want to buy your women. The little girl, your daughters... sell them to me. Sell me your children.
Melissa: "Replacement Kicker Having a Great Year." "Ready For Super Bowl, All-Star Kicker Boasts."
Ace Ventura: "Field Goal Sails Wide. Dolphins Lose Super Bowl."
Melissa: The "Kick Heard Round The World." That was Finkle. The Dolphins lost by one point.
[Ace lets out an impressed whistle. Melissa flips to the next clipping, with a headline that reads "Finkle Contract Not Renewed."]
Melissa: Poor guy.
Ace Ventura: Poor guy with a motive, baby.
One Timex digital watch, broken. One unused prophylactic. One soiled.Corrections Officer
Van Wilder: I'm all out of love. I'm so lost without you. I know you were right. Believing for so long.
Sally: Dope song. What's it called?
Van Wilder: Gwen Used Me For Her Story, Then Married an Ass Wipe... and Ran Over My Heart With a Big Metaphorical Truck. Originally performed by Air Supply.