Favorite Comedy Quotes
Josh: Wow, you're fillin' out there.
Cher: Wow, your face is catching up with your mouth.
That's how they get you. They're under the goddamn ground!Valentine McKee
It's gonna be champagne wishes and caviar dreams from now on.Donkey
Prince Akeem: Sir, did you happen to catch the professional football contest on television last night?
Cleo McDowell: No, I didn't.
Prince Akeem: Oh sir, the Giants of New York took on the Packers of Green Bay. And in the end, the Giants triumphed by kicking an oblong ball made of pigskin through a big "H". It was a most ripping victory.
Cleo McDowell: Son.
Prince Akeem: Yes?
Cleo McDowell: If you want to keep working here, stay off the drugs.
Prince Akeem: Yes
Elias: That's bestiality, Randal!
Randal Graves: At it's finest, I hope.
Elias: Who would want to see something like that?
Randal Graves: Dante, me, YOU.
Elias: I don't want to see something like that! Why would you want to see something like that?
Randal Graves: Because it's fucked up! Besides, I want to know if a chick with a mouth full of donkey spunk swallows. Lemme borrow your cell phone.
I'll tell you what I am - I'm the damn paterfamilias! You can't marry him!Ulysses Everett McGill
Carl Showalter: I want to go somewhere where I can get a shot and a steak, maybe, not more fuckin' pancakes, c'mon. Come on, man! Alright ... here's an idea. I know this place outside of Brainerd where we can get laid, what do you think?
Gaer Grimsrud: I'm fucking hungry now, you know.
Memphis: Whatcha doin' there, boy?
Baby Mumble: [tap dancing] I'm happy, Pa!
Memphis: Whatcha doin' with your feet?
Baby Mumble: [looks down] They're happy, t
Snaps for Congresswoman Hauser!Rep. Rudd
You're gonna listen to me? To something I said? Hasn't it become abundantly clear during the tenure of our friendship that I don't know shit?Brodie
Ship Captain: [menacingly] You're finished.
[Shrek, Puss in Boots, and Donkey turn and stare]
Ship Captain: [apologetically] Heh. With your journey!
[points to land]
Otter: Let me give you a hint. She's got a couple of major league yabbos.
Otter: No. But you're getting warmer. Here's another: "Oh God, Oh God, OH GOD!"
Boon: Marlene! Don't tell me you're gonna pork Marlene Desmond!
Boon: You're gonna hump her brains out, aren't you?
Otter: Boon, I anticipate a deeply religious experience.