Favorite Comedy Quotes
Lucky Day: Oh, great. You killed the invisible swordsman!
Ned Nederlander: [runs over to check] He's dead, all right.
Dusty Bottoms: How was I supposed to know where he was?
Lucky Day: You were supposed to fire up. *We* both fired *up*.
Lucky Day: It's like living with a six-year old.
Boog: Yeah, we'll need your nuts!
Elliot: And your acorns, too!
Carter: You don't know nothing about no War.
Lee: Everybody knows War.
Lee: War! Huh! Yeah! What is it good for? Absolutely nothing, sing it again, you all!
Carter: It ain't 'you all', it's "y'all"!
Carter: Man you sound like a Karate movie, y'all!
Ben: James, I wanted to ask your blessing in asking your sister to marry me.
James: Show me that you're worthy of her.
Ben: How am I supposed to do that?
James: I'm gonna take you on a ride-along.
Ben: Hell... yeah!
Judith: Have you ever had a girlfriend?
J.D.: Yes... No!
Judith: Have you ever fantasized about having sex with a man?
J.D.: Which man?
Judith: Any man!
J.D.: You mean like a tall man?
Judith: Sure, whatever!
J.D.: 'Cause I don't like tall people, they bother me!
Judith: What about a short man?
J.D.: How short? Some times people can be too short, that's weird like midgets!
Judith: Have you ever fantasized about having sex with any man, any man at all?
J.D.: Does that include celebrities?
Bianca: Hi Jessica, you look great. Are you doing anything different or just hanging out with skankier friends?
Jessica: You look good, too, Bianca. Are you eating less or just barfing more?
Monique: Barfing more.
Carrie Bradshaw: Women come to New York for the two L's: Labels and Love.
Austin: How could you sleep with Fat Bastard?
Felicity Shagwell: I was just doing my duty, Austin. I had to.
Austin: No, I mean, literally, HOW could you do it? The man's so fat, the sheer mechanics of it are mind-boggling.
Ishmael: You should try to quit. They say its bad for your heart, your lungs. It quickens the aging process.
Roy: Who's done more research than the good people at the American Tobacco Industry? They say its harmless. Why would they lie? If you're dead, you can't smoke.
OK, stop. I feel like I'm watching regional theatre, you guys. God! Am I in the Cleveland Playhouse or something? Your craft is a muscle, you need to exercise it. Take a break; think about what you've done.Susie
Harry Sanborn: Some people consider rap poetry.
Erica Barry: C'mon, how many words can you rhyme with bitch?
John Winger: Why'd the chicken cross the road?
Soldiers: To get from the left to the right
John Winger: He stepped out of rank, got hit by a tank
Soldiers: He ain't no chicken no more