Favorite Comedy Quotes
[admiring his torture contraption] Beautiful isn't it? It took me half a lifetime to invent it. I'm sure by now you've discovered my deep and abiding interest in pain. Presently I'm writing the definitive work on the subject, so I want you to be totally honest with me on how the machine makes you feel. This being our first try, I'll use the lowest setting.Count Rugen
Mac: [to Rabbit] Bite it, rook! You'll make him look like a dick!
Captain O'Hagan: Every Thursday night I walk into the lodge to play Hearts...
Mac: Seriously, rook, bite it. Do it. Don't be a wuss!
Captain O'Hagan: ...and they always have my Old-Fashioned just waiting there...
Mac: Don't be a wuss, bite it!
Captain O'Hagan: ...I like that. I like it here...
Mac: Bite it. Bite it!
Captain O'Hagan: [Fed up] Oh, hell! Give me the goddamn soap!
James Carter: How come you ain't got no black people performing in this casino? We ain't good enough for you?
Pit Boss: We got Lionel Ritchie!
James Carter: Lionel Ritchie ain't been black since the commodores!
Isabella: I need your help.
Lee: Last time you needed my help, I woke up in a truck.
James Carter: Now why did you say it was a bomb.
Lee: You said it was a bomb!
James Carter: I did not.
Lee: In the hotel, you said it was a bomb.
James Carter: I said 'she was the bomb'.
Lee: She was the bomb?
If you ain't gonna shoot him Kung-Fu his ass or somethin'.James Carter
Lee: These men are Triads. The most deadly gang in China.
James Carter: You think they scare me? I'm from Los Angeles, man. We invented gangs!
Lee: Carter, you don't understand.
James Carter: Oh I understand, man. I got knocked off a building, I got beat on, I got stripped butt-naked and you held out on me. I'm outta here.
Inigo Montoya: What?
Fezzik: I hope we win.
Lee: Stop, I'm sick of your bullshit.
James Carter: And I'm sick of you! I'm not the one running up in Karaoke bars full of gangsters. And I'm not the one running up in massage parlors looking for crime lords.
Lee: Just follow my lead. Act like a tourist.
James Carter: I am a tourist, fool!
James Carter: Just tell me how the Triads gonna kill us.
Lee: They will torture us for three days.
James Carter: Okay, I can handle that.
Lee: Then they will cut off our eggrolls.
James Carter: Cut off our eggrolls? Oh hell no! We gotta get out of here! Don't give up!