Favorite Comedy Quotes
D.A. Jim Trotter: Ms. Vito, what is your current profession?
Lisa: I'm an out-of-work hairdresser.
D.A. Jim Trotter: An out-of-work hairdresser. In what way does that qualify you as an expert in automobiles?
Lisa: It doesn't.
Why don't we get you out those wet clothes, and into a dry martini.Barry Badrinath
Jane Burns: If you don't let me, I'll never learn.
Dan Burns: But if I let you, you might not live.
Would you look at that body language? Legs crossed towards each other. That is an unequivocal sex invite.Cher
Colonel Sandurz: That's much too early. Prepare to fast-forward!
Video Operator: Preparing to fast-forward!
Colonel Sandurz: Fast-forward!
Video Operator: Fast-forwarding, sir!
Josh: I'm much better at video hockey.
Paul: That's not a sport.
Josh: It requires hand and eye coordination.
Paul: It's not a sport if you don't sweat.
Josh: What about golf? It's a sport and you don't sweat.
Paul: It's not a sport if you let a machine do all the work.
Josh: What about car racing?
Paul: Shut up, Baskin.
Motorcycle Cop: Tell me, officer, do you have any idea how fast you were going?
Mike: Well, I got a 426 hemi here, 3/4 cams, nitro boosters, I can get 'er up to as good as 155! Never do, though, of course, unless I'm chasing a cute chick in a Ferrari! HAHAAHAHA! I guess I was goin' about... 65, tops.
Motorcycle Cop: SEVEN! SEVEN miles an hour! And normally, when I stop people, they pull onto the SHOULDER!
Don't stare at me with those big eyes. Geez, you look like one of those barefoot kids from Boliva who needs foster parents.Isaac Davis
I know I don't have his looks. I know I don't have his money. I know I don't have his connections, his knowledge of fine wines. I know sometimes when I eat I get this clicking sound in my jaw...Wayne Campbell
Ponton: He was just found dead in a training facility locker room. Shot in the head.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Was it fatal?
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: How fatal?
Ponton: Um, completely.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: I want to talk to him now!
Buddy: The best way to spread Christmas Cheer, is singing loud for all to hear.
Jovie: Thanks, but I don't sing.
Buddy: Oh, well, it's just like talking, except longer and louder, and you move your voice up and down.
Jovie: I *can* sing, I just choose *not* to sing. Especially in front of other people.
Buddy: If you can sing alone, you sing in front of other people. There's no difference.
Jovie: Actually, there's a BIG difference.
Buddy: No there's not.
Peter's another name for weaner.Steve Barker