Magda: What are you doing?
Magda's boyfriend: That's my girl he's kissing.
Magda: But you just slept with me.
Magda's boyfriend: I was only boning you to get to Mary.

Jane: Oh yeah, I'm a real good caulker.
Kevin: [into recorder] Likes caulk.

Mother-in-Law: In my day, the women stayed home. Not the lazy men.
Bobby Davis: In your day, men were busy building pyramids!

Tucker: Really? Where would I have seen your work?
Pat Healy: Well, have you been to, uh well, let me see... Santiago, Chile?
Tucker: Twice last year. Which building's yours?
Pat Healy: Are you familiar with the soccer stadium?
Tucker: Did you build the Estadio Olimpico?
Pat Healy: No, just down the street the Celinto Catayente Towers. It's quite a fine example, in fact. I recommend that next time you're up that way that you drop in and take a gander at it yourself.

There are a lot of things in my life that I thought were real and ended up being fake. Why can't the opposite be true?

Monica

Brooke: You're crazy.
Gary: No, I'm not crazy and a lot of times people go "Oh that's crazy!" then they go "It's genius!" That's what happened to the person who invented fire. They burned that witch and guess what, then they got warm and they ate good stuff. Now where are we headed to. Let's not make this weird, 'cause I'm not good on dates...

I'm betting he's going to swerve first.

Phil

You want an opinion? With a push-up bra you could have a nice rack of lamb up there.

Maury Ballstein

Kermit: And not one single person noticed I'd been replaced by an evil criminal mastermind?
Fozzie Bear: It sounds worse than it was...
Walter: No, it's as bad as it sounds.

[as she is being dragged away] You can check my urine! CHECK MY URINE! CHECK MY URINE!

Amy Squirrel

Here's the plan. We don't even stop. Ride like hell. Tonight we keep right on going. We'll walk the horses.

Earl Bassett

People will look at the ashes of Westerburg and say, "Now there's a school that self-destructed, not because society didn't care, but because the school was society." Now that's deep.

J.D.

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