Ted: [to himself] 1275...1275... [to Bill] Okay. The lady in that car over there said that Marco Polo was in the year 1275.
Bill: It's not just a water sport. I knew it!
Ted: [to lady] Excuse me! When did the Mongols rule China?
Lady: I don't know. I just work here.

Holden McNeil: We've got to beat traffic.
Banky Edwards: What traffic? It's 1:30 in the morning!
Holden McNeil: Yeah, and rush hour starts in six hours. Let's go.

Try acting like a father, shithead.


Alex O'Donnell: [after watching Mike dance with Scarlet] Do you dance with all your friends moms?
Mike O' Donnell: Pretty much...

Nacho: It sucks to be me right now!
Esqueleto: How come?
Nacho: How come you think? I used to really like Ramses. I wanted to become him! But it turns out, he's a real douche.

Isabel Bigelow: Oh, we're going to kiss aren't we?
Jack Wyatt: I thought so. But, thanks for ruining the moment Miss Narrator.

Some people find it ironical that although we run a travel agency, we've never been outside of Blaine.

Ron Albertson

Evelle: I got me some baby grub, baby wipes, diapers, them disposable kind. I also got a package of balloons.
Gale: They blow up into funny shapes and all?
Evelle: No, just circular.

This was the moment I'd been dreading for the past six months. Well, actually for the past 22 years.


I don't give a shit about the barracudas, fuck it! I'm building it anyway.

Max Fischer

Gas Station Employee: I'm picking up your sarcasm.
Richard Hayden: Well, I should hope so, because I'm laying it on pretty thick.

Margaret: He must like you very much.
Marianne: It is not just for me. It is for all of us.

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