Favorite Comedy Quotes
I may not be a smart dog, but I know what roadkill is.Slinky Dog
[opening lyrics] A long ass fucking time ago, in a town called Kickapoo, there lived a humble family religious through and through. But yay, there was a black sheep, And he knew just what to do. His name was young JB and he refused to step in line. A vision he did see of fucking rocking all the time. He wrote a tasty jam and all the planets did align.JB
Daphne Wilder: God couldn't be everywhere, so that is why he invented mothers.
Maggie: What? That was on a Hallmark card we gave you.
Ted: [to himself] 1275...1275... [to Bill] Okay. The lady in that car over there said that Marco Polo was in the year 1275.
Bill: It's not just a water sport. I knew it!
Ted: [to lady] Excuse me! When did the Mongols rule China?
Lady: I don't know. I just work here.
Try acting like a father, shithead.Bart
Holden McNeil: We've got to beat traffic.
Banky Edwards: What traffic? It's 1:30 in the morning!
Holden McNeil: Yeah, and rush hour starts in six hours. Let's go.
Isabel Bigelow: Oh, we're going to kiss aren't we?
Jack Wyatt: I thought so. But, thanks for ruining the moment Miss Narrator.
Jane, since I've met you I've noticed things that I never knew were there before; birds singing, dew glistening on a newly formed leaf, stoplights.Frank
Tibby: So Kostos isn't married. Why can't you just stop thinking about it and follow your heart?
Lena: Because...he broke my heart!
Judge Chamberlain Haller: I don't like your attitude.
Vinny Gambini: So what else is new?
Judge Chamberlain Haller: I'm holding you in contempt of court.
Vinny Gambini: [to Bill] Now there's a fucking surprise.
Judge Chamberlain Haller: What did you say? What did you just say?
Vinny Gambini: Huh? What did I say?
Van Wilder: Whoa, trick or treat. What's going on?
Richard: This vaginal discharge won't let us partake in the party.
Van Wilder: Graphic.
Alex O'Donnell: [after watching Mike dance with Scarlet] Do you dance with all your friends moms?
Mike O' Donnell: Pretty much...