Favorite Comedy Quotes
She's gonna cry tears that form "call Dusty".Tank
Glad I'm wearing a diaper.'Baby' Brent
[to Doris the Bowler Hat] I am NEVER going to invent you.Lewis
Shrek: Excuse me; can you ladies tell me where to find...
Cheerleader: Ugh, totally ew-eth.
Tank: I would kick you in the ass, but my foot might get sucked in.
Alexis: Well I would kick you in the dick, but my foot might get Herpes.
How long could we maintain? I wondered. How long until one of us starts raving and jabbering at this boy? What will he think then? This same lonely desert was the last known home of the Manson family; will he make that grim connection when my attorney starts screaming about bats and huge manta rays coming down on the car? If so, well, we'll just have to cut his head off and bury him somewhere, 'cause it goes without saying that we can't turn him loose. He'd report us at once to some kind of outback Nazi law enforcement agency and they'll run us down like dogs. Jesus, did I say that? Or just think it? Was I talking? Did they hear me?Raoul Duke
We didn't lose Vietnam. It was a tie!Otto
I can't believe we said no to free beer!Valentine McKee
Flight Attendant: Sir, we have a policy on this airline that if a bag is this large we take...
Greg Focker: okay you know what, take you scrubby little paws *off* my bag, okay? It's not like I have a bomb in here. It's not like I wanna blow up the plane. I just want to store my bag according to your safety regulations.
Flight Attendant: Sir, sir!
Greg Focker: Hey, hey, If you would take a second, take the little sticks out of your head, clean out your ears, and maybe you would see that I'm a person who has feelings, and all I have to do is do what I wanna do and all I want to do is hold on to my bag and not listen to you! And the only way that I would ever let go of my bag would be if you came over here right now and tried to pry it from my dead, lifeless fingers, okay? If you can get it from my kung-fu grip then you can come and have it, okay? Otherwise, step off, bitch.
Marcus Burnett: [to Mike] I'm not understanding, I - I really don't.
Store Clerk: [pointing gun at Marcus] Shut up!
Marcus Burnett: I mean, do you just attract violence?
Jim's Dad: I have not had a night like that since the 70s.
Jim: Don't need this.
Jim's Dad: You'd be surprised what you can do with a well-placed thumb.
I see a lot of myself in that kid. It's kinda freakin' me out.Roy