Favorite Comedy Quotes
[to Denise Fleming] I did not write 'Denise Fleming is a tampon' on your locker!Kenny Fisher
Scarlett: Isn't she beautiful?
Fiona: Scarlett, you're blind, she looks like a big meringue.
[to Rhonda] GET OUT OF YOUR PANTS!Valentine McKee
I'm not wearing any diamonds!Rick Riker
Detective Krevoy: So you admit it?
Ted: Guilty as charged. I'm not gonna play games with you. I could give you a song and dance but what's the point? I did it and we all know it. The hitcher himself told me it's illegal. The irony.
Detective Krevoy: Well, uh, can you tell us his name?
Ted: Jeez, I didn't catch it.
Detective Stabler: So he was a stranger? It was totally random?
Ted: He was the first hitcher I saw, what can I tell you? Now cut to the chase, how much trouble am I in?
Detective Stabler: First tell us why you did it.
Ted: Why I did it? I don't know. Boredom? I thought I was doing the guy a favor.
Detective Krevoy: This wasn't your first time, was it, Ted? How many we talking?
Ted: Hitchhikers? I don't know - 50... 100 maybe - Who keeps track? Hey, I know this is the Bible Belt, but where I come from this is not that big a deal.
Detective Krevoy: You son of a bitch! You're gonna fry!
Motorcycle Cop: Could you take him through here a little faster than seven miles per hour, Officer...
Mike: Meoff, Jack.
Fuck it! I'm... I'm gay!Ed
Get a grip, people hate sissies. No-one's ever going to shag you if you cry all the time.Karen
Travis, get your gorgeous tuchus out of here.Marilyn Dean
Tibby: So Kostos isn't married. Why can't you just stop thinking about it and follow your heart?
Lena: Because...he broke my heart!
Veronica Sawyer: Heather, why can't you just be a friend? Why do you have to be such a mega-bitch?
Heather Duke: Because I can be.
Annie: What? What's that face?
George: It's nothing.
Annie: Oh, this is going cost you more money.
George: No. It's just... I know I'll remember this moment, for the rest of my life.