Favorite Comedy Quotes
There's action across the street.Dirk Calloway
Pastor Arthur Mitchell: Actually, your honor, we have a lot of witnesses here that are willing to testify to a lot of things... like embezzlement.
Tianna: Misappropriation of funds.
Sister Doris: Falsifying documents.
Rickey: Not to mention, wearing an easter suit with a halloween shirt and tie set!
[as she enters the hospital, about to go into labor] It feels like I'm shitting a knife!Angie Ostrowiski
Vanessa Kensington: Look, I know I'm being neurotic, but I can't shake off this suspicious feeling about Miss Fagina. I don't want to sound paranoid, but I've had some bad relationships in the past, and I have been known to be jealous. I'm sorry.
Austin Powers: No, don't be sorry, baby. You're right to be suspicious. I shagged her.
Vanessa Kensington: What?
Austin Powers: I shagged her rotten, baby, yeah!
Vanessa Kensington: Did you use protection?
Austin Powers: Of course. I had my 9mm automatic.
Vanessa Kensington: You know I meant, did you use a condom?
Austin Powers: No, only sailors wear condoms baby.
Vanessa Kensington: Not in the '90s Austin.
Austin Powers: Well they should, those filthy buggers. They go from port to port.
I refuse to be embarrassed by a car that looks like a Trapper Keeper.Lance
Dude, these brownies suck!Hippie Girl
I'm testing the air. I like it but it doesn't like me.Macaulay Connor
First of all Rat, you never let on how much you like a girl. "Oh, Debbie. Hi." Two, you always call the shots. "Kiss me. You won't regret it." Now three, act like wherever you are, that's the place to be. "Isn't this great?" Four, when ordering food, you find out what she wants, then order for the both of you. It's a classy move. "Now, the lady will have the linguini and white clam sauce, and a Coke with no ice." And five, now this is the most important, Rat. When it comes down to making out, whenever possible, put on side one of Led Zeppelin IV.Mike Damone
We've been waiting here an hour. He's peed three times already.Carl Showalter
Francis Fratelli: Tell us everything! Everything!
Chunk: Everything. OK! I'll talk! In third grade, I cheated on my history exam. In fourth grade, I stole my uncle Max's toupee and I glued it on my face when I was Moses in my Hebrew School play. In fifth grade, I knocked my sister Edie down the stairs and I blamed it on the dog... When my mom sent me to the summer camp for fat kids and then they served lunch I got nuts and I pigged out and they kicked me out... But the worst thing I ever done - I mixed a pot of fake puke at home and then I went to this movie theater, hid the puke in my jacket, climbed up to the balcony and then, t-t-then, I made a noise like this
Jake Fratelli: I'm beginning to like this kid, Ma!
Mama Fratelli: [tired of Chunk's stalling] Hit puree!
Francis Fratelli: Get the rope here. Slothy, Slothy, jumprope Slothy.
Jake Fratelli: What do you mean jump rope?
Francis FratelliJake Fratelli: Jumprope! Jumprope.
Francis FratelliJake Fratelli: Ring around the rosie, pocket full of posies...
Sloth: [Sloth rips off his shirt revealing a T-Shirt with the Superman 'S' on the front] Sloth!
Jake Fratelli: We're in deep shit now, Francis.
Francis Fratelli: Oh, shit!
Tickets? Since when did they start charging for the bus? Didn't we used to ride that shit to school every morning for free?Jay