Favorite Comedy Quotes
Miles Raymond: Did you read the latest draft, by the way?
Jack: Oh, yeah. Yeah.
Miles Raymond: And?
Jack: It's great. I mean there are so many improvements. It's much tighter, just seems... I don't know, more congealed or something.
Miles Raymond: Mm-hmm. What about the new ending? Did you like that?
Jack: Oh, yeah. New ending vastly superior to the old ending.
Miles Raymond: There is no new ending. Page 750 on is exactly the same.
Jack: [pause] Well... maybe it just seemed new because everything leading up to it was so different?
Miles Raymond: [sarcastically] Yeah, that must be it!
Lois Einhorn: What would you know about pressure.
Ace Ventura: Well, I have kissed a man.
Lester Bangs: So, you're the one who's been sending me those articles from your school newspaper.
William Miller: I've been doing some stuff for a local underground paper, too.
Lester Bangs: What, are you like the star of your school?
William Miller: They hate me.
Lester Bangs: You'll meet them all again on their long journey to the middle.
Don't you see the rest of the country looks upon New York like we're left-wing, communist, Jewish, homosexual pornographers? I think of us that way sometimes and I live here.Alvy Singer
Marianne: Fanny wishes to know where the key to the silver cabinet is kept.
Elinor Dashwood: Betsy has it I think. What does Fanny want with the silver?
Marianne: One can only presume she wants to count it. What are you doing?
Elinor Dashwood: Presents for the servants. Have you seen Margaret by the way? I'm worried about her. She's taken to hiding in the oddest places.
We must become invisible, travel silently, for there are forces that would seek to destroy us.Horton
Pete: Wait a minute. Who elected you leader of this outfit?
Ulysses Everett McGill: Well Pete, I figured it should be the one with the capacity for abstract thought. But if that ain't the consensus view, then hell, let's put it to a vote.
Pete: Suits me. I'm voting for yours truly.
Ulysses Everett McGill: Well I'm voting for yours truly too.
Alex Rose: So Chick, how much is this gonna set us back?
Alex Rose: Okay, 'cause we had had a slightly different figure in our heads. We were thinking of something a little closer to like half a K.
Teacher: Everyone, please take your seats. You heard the bell. You know what it means. Last week, the assignment was to write an essay about your family. Who they...
Teacher: [class: "Are!"] And what they...
Teacher: [class: "Mean to us!"] Excellent droning.
Jim The Gun Salesman: [persuading her not to buy a large gun and bullet to shoot a mockingbird] First of all, there's this book, "To Kill A Mockingbird"...
Kit: Copy that too, just put that book right here!
You should see the other guy!Carl Showalter
Otto: You know your problem? You don't like winners.
Otto: Yeah. Winners.
Archie: Winners, like North Vietnam?
Otto: Shut up. We didn't lose Vietnam. It was a tie.
Archie: [going into a cowboy-like drawl] I'm tellin' ya baby, they kicked your little ass there. Boy, they whooped yer hide REAL GOOD.