You ask me one more question and I'm beating the shit out of you.

Andrew

Colonel Sandurz: Sir, do you think we're being too literal?
Dark Helmet: No you fool, we're following orders. We were told to comb the desert so we're combing it.

Richard Vernon: You're not fooling anyone Bender. The next screw that falls out will be you.
Bender: Eat my shorts.
Richard Vernon: What was that?
Bender: Eat... My... Shorts.
Richard Vernon: You just bought yourself another Saturday.
Bender: Ooh, I'm crushed.
Richard Vernon: You just bought one more.
Bender: Well I'm free the Saturday after that. Beyond that, I'm going to have to check my calendar.

[Vernon catches Bender playing basketball]
Bender: Don't you want to hear my excuse?
Richard Vernon: Out.
Bender: I'm thinkin' of tryin' out for a scholarship.

Haven't you ever wondered why the crime rate is so low? But the accident rate is so high?

Nicholas Angel

Yogurt: I am the keeper of a greater power, a power known throughout the universe as the...
Barf: ...the Force?
Yogurt: No, the Schwartz!

Metropolitan Police Inspector: [darkly] You don't want me to get the Chief Inspector down here do you?
Nicholas Angel: Yes, I would actually.
Metropolitan Police Inspector: Very well.
[to a man by the door]
Metropolitan Police Inspector: Kenneth?

Danny Butterman: What do you think?
Nicholas Angel: Well, I wouldn't argue that it wasn't a no holds barred, adrenaline fueled thrill ride. But, there is no way you can perpetrate that amount of carnage and mayhem and not incur a considerable amount of paperwork.
Danny Butterman: That is nothing man, this is about to go off!

Bring the noise!

Danny Butterman

Prepare ship for ludicrous speed! Fasten all seatbelts, seal all entrances and exits, close all shops in the mall, cancel the three ring circus, secure all animals in the zoo!

Colonel Sandurz

Nathaniel Banks: "I was in bed. I didn't fire any gun. I swear."
Officer Palumbo: "Hey, Jackson's trying to escape!"
Tarik: "What are you talking about? I'm just sitting here."
Officer Martone: "He's trying to break free! Get him!"

Kumar: [about Doogie Howser, M.D] So, I gotta ask you Neil, did you ever get it on with Wanda off the set?
Neil Patrick Harris: Dude, I humped every piece of ass ever on that show.
Kumar: Even the chick who played the hot nurse?
Neil Patrick Harris: No... I didn't go all the way with her.

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