Favorite Comedy Quotes
Annie Savoy: These are the ground rules. I hook up with one guy a season. Usually takes me a couple weeks to pick the guy - kinda my own spring training. And, well, you two are the most promising prospects of the season so far, so I just thought we should kinda get to know each other.
Crash Davis: Time out. Why do you get to choose?
Annie Savoy: What?
Crash Davis: Why do you get to choose? I mean, why don't I get to choose, why doesn't he get to choose?
Annie Savoy: Well, actually, nobody on this planet ever really chooses each other. I mean, it's all a question of quantum physics, molecular attraction, and timing. Why, there are laws we don't understand that bring us together and tear us apart. Uh, it's like pheromones. You get three ants together, they can't do dick. You get 300 million of them, they can build a cathedral.
Max Fischer: Sic transit gloria. Glory fades. I'm Max Fischer.
Rosemary Cross: Hi.
Max Fischer: Hi.
Doug Butabi: Idiot.
Craig: You know Doug, just because you and your brother are having problems, that's no reason to refer to my intellectual capacity in a diminutive manner.
Jane: Oh yeah, I'm a real good caulker.
Kevin: [into recorder] Likes caulk.
Come on! I get better runs in my shorts!Patches O'Houlihan
Man, you gotta be kidding me! You gonna pull out a gun, when you looking at THIS?Ben
T.S. Quint: [Reading the break-up letter that Renee gave Brodie] Woah, she calls you "callow" in here.
Brodie: You say that like it's bad.
T.S. Quint: It means frightened and weak-willed.
Brodie: Really? Shit. That was the only part of the letter I thought was complimentary.
Milly: See that's the fun of the Tuna Pasta Toss. Because it's fun and it's easy. And when you're cooking for one, it's really important to look forward to the end result. You know?
Johnny: What if you want to make it for two?
Milly: It's a little bit more complicated, but I think it can be done. Um... I see some of you have already gone ahead and added your carrots and your pickled relish and remember that some people like dill.
Ed: Hey, Shaun, look who it is!
[addressing the camera] There's an old joke - um... two elderly women are at a Catskill mountain resort, and one of 'em says, "Boy, the food at this place is really terrible." The other one says, "Yeah, I know; and such small portions." Well, that's essentially how I feel about life - full of loneliness, and misery, and suffering, and unhappiness, and it's all over much too quickly. The... the other important joke, for me, is one that's usually attributed to Groucho Marx; but, I think it appears originally in Freud's "Wit and Its Relation to the Unconscious," and it goes like this - I'm paraphrasing - um, "I would never want to belong to any club that would have someone like me for a member." That's the key joke of my adult life, in terms of my relationships with women.Alvy Singer
Kit: Good news. It's Champagne Thursday.
Paula: It's Friday.
Kit: Uh, yeah, it came twice this week.
Paula: For the third straight week.
Kit: There's talk of making it permanent.
Paula: Oh, kind of like Daylight Saving's Time?
Kit: Right, but for booze.
Love knows nothing of rank or river bank.William Shakespeare