Favorite Comedy Quotes
Did you notice anything weird a minute ago?Rhonda LeBeck
Rob: Liking both Marvin Gaye and Art Garfunkel is like supporting both the Israelis and the Palestinians.
Laura: No, it's really not, Rob. You know why? Because Marvin Gaye and Art Garfunkel make pop records.
Rob: Made. Made. Marvin Gaye is dead. His father shot him.
King Jaffe Joffer: Our son cannot consort with such a girl.
Cleo McDowell: Now wait a minute!
King Jaffe Joffer: I know you have been inconvenienced. I am prepared to compensate you. Shall we say one million American dollars?
Cleo McDowell: No way.
King Jaffe Joffer: Very well then. Two million.
Cleo McDowell: You don't have enough money to buy my daughter off.
King Jaffe Joffer: [laughing] Nonsense.
Queen Aoleon: Jaffe, apologize to Mr. McDowell.
King Jaffe Joffer: I will do no such thing. The man is beneath me and so is his daughter.
Cleo McDowell: I don't care who you are. This is America, Jack. Say another word about Lisa, and I'll break my foot off in your royal ass.
I don't have an iPod. I don't have a phone. They don't let me make calls. I'm going to call Nikki.Pat
Jeff Portnoy: So, what's the plan, man? You gonna talk Vietnamese to those dudes?
Kirk Lazarus: No, no. Mandarin Chinese. What I can tell, it's what they're speaking down there.
Jeff Portnoy: How the hell do you know Chinese?
Kirk Lazarus: Land of Silk and Money with Gong Li. Second Globe, third Oscar. I prepped for that one by working in a Beijing textile factory for eight months.
Macaulay Connor: What's this? Is it my book?
C. K. Dexter Haven: Yes.
Macaulay Connor: C. K. Dexter Haven you have unsuspected depth!
C. K. Dexter Haven: Thanks, old chap.
Macaulay Connor: But have you read it?
C. K. Dexter Haven: When I was trying to stop drinking, I read anything.
Macaulay Connor: And did you stop drinking?
C. K. Dexter Haven: Yes. Your book didn't do it though.
That fuckin' bitch just can't run away because she don't want to screw on film anymore!Kelly
Look Shaun, I'm sorry you didn't get into Stanford. But if you think that going here is the only way that you can be the person you want to be, well then I just feel sorry for you.Ashley
You forgot your boarding pass.Marcus Burnett
Clark, what are you doing?Ellen Griswold
Since when do you go bowling?Brad Hamilton
I looked at the clock... because I was saying to myself... It's five to seven, where could he be going with that sawed off shotgun?Wanda