Favorite Comedy Quotes
Brodie: You've probably had a slew of women since her, am I right?
Stan Lee: Oh, lots of women. Jagger and me, we had a running contest to see who had the most. In fact, last time I checked I was way ahead.
Brodie: DAMN that's hot!
Pinocchio: I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy.
Captain of Guards: Five schillings for the possessed toy. Take it away.
Gwen, good of you to come. Now take off your clothes. It is the naked mile run.Van Wilder
Stoner Guy: Preston? I dunno, his hair's kinda, I dunno, brown?
Watermelon Guy: No, it's not really brown. Oh, he's tall.
Stoner Guy: Yeah, he's kinda kinda tall. Sorta tall. And he's like always wearing like t-shirts.
Amanda Becket: So, he's sort of tall?
Stoner Guy: Kind of.
Amanda Becket: With... hair?
Stoner Guy: Yeah.
Amanda Becket: And he wears t-shirts sometimes?
Stoner Guy: Yeah.
I want you all over that ball like a fat kid on a cupcake!Van Wilder
William: [drunk] You... have to come with me. There's this chick... there's these two chicks... they're triplets, man. You're not going to believe what they're doing. Not because I made it up or anything but because it is so... unbelievable. Come on out to the pool house, 'cause they told me to tell you... they want you to watch. So, come out... the pool house, come on...
Mike Dexter: [drunk] I'm a loser. I broke up with the hottest girl in school, my friends all sold me out... and somebody in there just called me a fag!
Well, you haven't lived until you've shot-putted blitzed on Jager!"Van Wilder
Gwen: Well I think it takes a lot more then the kind of underwear one wears to define them as a person.
[Van looks shocked]
Van Wilder: Like what?
Yo, I gotsta have sex tonight!Kenny Fisher
Brandi: Second suitor, would you ever make whoopie in public?
Brodie: I already did once today.
[clicks his finger at Renee]
Brodie: But my cousin Walter jerked off in public once. True story. He was on a plane to New Mexico when all of the sudden the hydraulics went. The plane started spinning around, going out of control, so he decides it's all over and whips it out and starts beating it right there. So all the other passengers take a cue from him and they start whipping it out and beating like mad. So all the passengers are beating off, plummeting to their certain doom, when all of the sudden, *Snap* the hydraulics kick back in. The plane rights itself and it land safely and everyone puts their pieces or, whatever, you know, away and deboard. No one mentions the phenomenon to anyone else.
Gil Hicks: Well, did he cum, or what?
Brodie: Jesus Christ, man. There's just some things you don't talk about in public.
Richard: Mr. Wilder here is quite the collegian. He's in his, what? sixth year?
Van Wilder: Actually, its lucky number seven.
Gwen: I'm doing a human interest piece... on you.
Van Wilder: I'm flattered, I'd love for your piece to be on me.
[looks up at the ceiling and sighs]
Van Wilder: ... But sadly I don't do interviews, never have, never will. Do lunch though.