Favorite Comedy Quotes
Rand: Hey, poor boy! Go and have all your parties with all your new friends! I can see it now, Andrews. You and all the knee-jerk, bleeding-heart liberals, sipping tea and playing patty-cake. And those useless hippie pot-heads, those commie-pinko leftists. The bunny huggers, the pillow biters...
Droz: Whoa! Whoa! Which ones are the pillow biters again?
[on phone] Hello, babe. No, I'm not busy, no - fire away.Sarah
[after he spills water on his pants] Damn, she's gonna think I got that premature evacuation!Kenny Fisher
Kit: Good news. It's Champagne Thursday.
Paula: It's Friday.
Kit: Uh, yeah, it came twice this week.
Paula: For the third straight week.
Kit: There's talk of making it permanent.
Paula: Oh, kind of like Daylight Saving's Time?
Kit: Right, but for booze.
Sir Alexander Dane: I played Richard III.
Fred Kwan: Five curtain calls...
Sir Alexander Dane: There were five curtain calls. I was an actor once, damn it. Now look at me. Look at me! I won't go out there and say that stupid line one more time.
Jack: Are you still seeing that shrink?
Miles Raymond: I saw him on Monday. I spent most of the time helping him with his computer.
Jack: Well, I say, fuck therapy. And what is that stuff you take... Xanax?
Miles Raymond: And Lexapro, yes.
Jack: Well, I say, fuck that too. You need to get your joint worked on, Miles.
Do you know what its like to have your heart shot out of season and tied to the top of a car? How it feels to be passed like the world's largest kidney stone? Ramada... I don't THINK so.Topper Harley
Steven Kovacs: Don't be mad. Can't you get somebody else?
Rick: Sure. Maybe I'll take MY cable guy.
Agent 23: If you don't follow the rules here then what are we?
The Chief: I'm telling you what we're not, we're not people who jam staples into other people's heads, that's CIA crap!
What was that? Did you just pick up another case? Did we just take another damn case on my vacation?James Carter
I , Jackie Moon, will wrestle a bear.Jackie Moon
Joe: [wearing sunglasses at night with two other members of the Pharoh's gang] Whadaya doin' creep?
Curt Henderson: Who, me?
Joe: No, I'm talkin' to the other fifty creeps here. You know Gil Gonzales?
Curt Henderson: Gil Gonzales? No. No, I don't.
Joe: Don't know Gil huh? Well you oughta. He's a friend of ours and that's his car you got your butt parked on.