Favorite Comedy Quotes
D+?... Oh, my God... I passed! I passed! Oh, man! I got a D+! I'm gonna graduate! [hugs a stranger] I wish we'd known each other... this is a little awkward.Tommy
Richard Hayden: That guy may not call us.
Tommy: I can't believe he called me a psycho.
Richard Hayden: Hey, were you in there just now? You are a psycho... Good God. And comb your hair.
Allison Reynolds: Your middle name is Ralph, as in puke, your birth date's March 12th, you're 5'9 and a half, you weigh 130 pounds and your social security number is 049380913.
Andrew Clark: Wow. Are you psychic?
Allison Reynolds: No.
Brian Johnson: Well, would you mind telling me how you know all this about me?
Allison Reynolds: I stole your wallet.
Claire: You know, you look a lot better without all that black shit under your eyes.
Allison Reynolds: Hey, I like all that black shit... Why are you being so nice to me?
Claire: Because you're letting me.
You know how you said before, how your parents use you to get back at each other? Wouldn't I be outstanding in that capacity?Bender
Bender: [to himself] Naked blonde walks into a bar with a poodle under one arm, and a two-foot salami under the other. The bartender says, I guess you won't be needing a drink. Naked lady says...
[the ceiling gives way]
Bender: Oh, shit!
[as Mr. Vernon leaves the library] That man... is a brownie hound!Bender
Allison Reynolds: You have problems.
Andrew Clark: Oh, I have problems?
Allison Reynolds: You do everything everyone tells you to do and that is a problem.
Andrew Clark: Okay, fine, but I didn't dump my purse out on the couch and invite everyone into my problems.
Richard Hayden: Housekeeping. You want mint for pillow?
Tommy: Please go away. let me sleep. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!
Richard Hayden: Housekeeping. You want me jerk you off?
Tommy: What kind of hotel is this?
Tommy: Does this suit make me look fat?
Richard Hayden: No, your face does.
Claire Standish: You know why guys like you knock everything?
John Bender: Oh, this should be stunning.
Claire Standish: It's because you're afraid.
John Bender: Oh God, you richies are so smart, that's exactly why I'm not heavy into activities.
Claire Standish: You're a big coward.
Brian Johnson: I'm in the math club.
Claire Standish: See, you're afraid that they won't take you, you don't belong, so you have to just dump all over it.
John Bender: Well, it wouldn't have anything to do with you activities people being assholes, now would it?
Claire Standish: Well, you wouldn't know, you don't even know any of us.
John Bender: Well, I don't know any lepers, but I'm not going to run out and join one of their fucking clubs.
Andrew Clark: Hey. Let's watch the mouth, huh?
Brian Johnson: I'm in the physics club too.
Andrew Clark: What do they do to you?
Allison Reynolds: They ignore me.
Andrew Clark: Yeah... yeah.