Favorite Comedy Quotes
[after he spills water on his pants] Damn, she's gonna think I got that premature evacuation!Kenny Fisher
Sam: Tickle is my favorite thing in the whole world. It's all that's left of Nanny, my blanket.
Andrew Largeman: Tickle is all that remains. Was there a hurricane or something?
Sam: Shut up!
Nathaniel likes the way I leap?Prince Edward
Richard Hayden: Hey... I was just thinking... when we stopped for gas this morning I think it was you who put the oil in.
Tommy: Hey if you're going to say I didn't put the right kind in, you're wrong. I used 10-W-30. And besides, motor oil would have nothing to do with this accident.
Richard Hayden: True. But you can't latch the hood too well, IF YOU DON'T TAKE THE CAN OUT, YOU NO-SELLING WASTE OF SPACE.
Wanda: I want you to know something Otto.
Wanda: Even if you were my brother I'd still want to fuck you.
Tom Ace. Pleasure to meet you Sir and may I congradulate you on all your success... you smell TEREFFIC! I was just telling Melissa that one of the first things we learned back at... Stanford Law... was the modern proliferation of food poisoning claims against wealthy, private homeowners. In fact, if one were so inclined, one could make quite a lucrative law practice on little else. How is everyone feeling tonight?Ace Ventura
Jack: Are you still seeing that shrink?
Miles Raymond: I saw him on Monday. I spent most of the time helping him with his computer.
Jack: Well, I say, fuck therapy. And what is that stuff you take... Xanax?
Miles Raymond: And Lexapro, yes.
Jack: Well, I say, fuck that too. You need to get your joint worked on, Miles.
[after he faked a terminal illness, took residence in the house under false pretenses, tried to instigate a fight with his estranged wife's fiancÃ©, lied to his family and was found out] I know I'm going to be the bad guy here...Royal
Agent 23: If you don't follow the rules here then what are we?
The Chief: I'm telling you what we're not, we're not people who jam staples into other people's heads, that's CIA crap!
Look at our current situation with that camel fucker over in Iraq. Pacifism is not something to hide behind.Walter Sobchak
What was that? Did you just pick up another case? Did we just take another damn case on my vacation?James Carter
I , Jackie Moon, will wrestle a bear.Jackie Moon