Favorite Comedy Quotes
This is just like CSpan, except I'm not bored.Elle
Don't hassle me about crumbs man, because I am on the edge of the edge.J-Man
[to Joe] Ballerinas can jump just as high as you but when they come down they come down in plies, and then they stand pointe, and they stand like that for hours. If ballet was easy, it would be called football.Monique Vasquez
Yeah, and she also said I had no dick. Which precedes the financial question, proving once more what women really look for.Brodie
Wanda: I want you to know something Otto.
Wanda: Even if you were my brother I'd still want to fuck you.
Bender: [to himself] Naked blonde walks into a bar with a poodle under one arm, and a two-foot salami under the other. The bartender says, I guess you won't be needing a drink. Naked lady says...
[the ceiling gives way]
Bender: Oh, shit!
[after he spills water on his pants] Damn, she's gonna think I got that premature evacuation!Kenny Fisher
Marshal Nathan Van Cleef: Mighty impressive hardware you packin' there...
Roy O'Bannon: Why don't you get your eyes of my package, you twisted son of a bitch!
Nathaniel likes the way I leap?Prince Edward
Sally Albright: Most women at one time or another have faked it.
Harry Burns: Well, they haven't faked it with me.
Sally Albright: How do you know?
Harry Burns: Because I know.
Sally Albright: Oh. Right. Thats right. I forgot. Youre a man.
Harry Burns: What was that supposed to mean?
Sally Albright: Nothing. Its just that all men are sure it never happened to them, and all women at one time or other have done it, so you do the math.
I'm trying to get you laid, I'd appreciate a little help!Jack
Oh, no no no no. Dead broad off the table.Shrek