Favorite Comedy Quotes
He sets the standard for "Not to be fucked with."Columbus
I'm not here to service you, I'm here to service these young boys.Gayle Sweeny
Who the hell said take the cricket from my hand?Master Wong
Frank: [recounting his suicide attempt] But he went and fell in love with a colleague of mine; Larry Sugarman, the number 2 expert on Marcel Proust in America.
Richard: Who's number 1?
Frank: That would be me, Richard.
Doc: So, what's new Eddie? Anything exciting?
Eddie Cantrow: Ah, yeah, we just got those new Nike Sasquatch drivers in the store, so that's been kind of cool.
Doc: Let me rephrase the question. You been crushin' any pussy?
Even before I met you I had an instinct about you. Once I saw you were a woman with profound static cling I wanted to be that force around you.Johnny
I touched a guy's balls once in Hebrew School.Cal
[to Agent 99] Is that your default setting or something? Oh, today's Tuesday, I'll punch Max. Oh look, a box of kittens, I think I'll punch Max. I have this piece of bread so now I'm going to punch Max.Maxwell Smart
Crush: Dude? Dude? Focus dude... Dude?
Marlin: [wakes up]
Crush: Oh, he lives. Hey, dude!
Marlin: Oh... What happened?
Crush: Saw the whole thing, dude. First you were all like "whoa." And we were like "whoa" ... and you were like "whoa...â€
Marlin: What are you talking about?
Ed: See? You don't need Liz to have a good time.
Shaun: Oh, don't, man.
Ed: No! Go ahead, look at me. Can I just say one more thing? I'm not gonna say, you know, there's plenty more fish in the sea. I'm not going to say if you love her, let her go. And I'm not going to bombard you with clichÃˆs. But what I will say is this?
Ed: It's not the end of the world.
I am gonna give you the best blow J. With my mouth.Becca
You more shredded than a Julian salad, man.Kirk Lazarus