Favorite Comedy Quotes
Shaun: Mom, you know money can't buy happiness...
Cindy: Oh grow up, yes it can!
Shaun: But you and Dad have money and you're both miserable.
Cindy: ...He's miserable?
[after Shaun hits zombie with butt of rifle] Why didn't you just shoot him?
Yeah! The attitude dictates that you don't care whether she comes, stays, lays, or prays. I mean whatever happens, your toes are still tappin'. Now when you got that, then you have the attitude.Mike Damone
Benjamin: Hey Rosie, am I doing anything right?
Rosie: You're handsomer than the other dads. Lots of them don't have hair. So that's good.
OK, Ms DumBum ain't your teacher today, I am, and I have a headache and the runs. So I say, time for recess!Dewey Finn
Mike: Look, we're gonna spend half the night driving around the Hills looking for this one party and you're going to say it sucks and we're all gonna leave and then we're gonna go look for this other party. But all the parties and all the bars, they all suck. I spend half the night talking to some girl who's looking around the room to see if there's somebody else who's more important she should be talking to. And it's like I'm supposed to be all happy 'cause she's wearing a backpack, you know? And half of them are just nasty skanks who wouldn't be nothing except they're surrounded by a bunch of drunken horny assholes. And I'm gonna tell you something T. Are you listening?
Trent: Yeah, I'm listening.
Mike: I'm not gonna be one of those assholes. Alright? It just makes me sick. It's like, some nasty skank who isn't half the woman my girlfriend is, is gonna front me? It makes me want to fuckin' puke!
I know talent when I see it - TALENT! Once, I was rehearsing birds - toucans - for this musical review in Brazil...Mikey Abromowitz
Why didn't somebody tell me my ass was so big?President Skroob
Collector: You're mucking with a G, you fuckin' tracer.
Banky Edwards: I'll trace a chalk line around your dead fucking body, you fuck!
Bill: Ted, you know, if I die, you can have my Megadeth collection.
Ted: But dude, we are already dead.
Bill: Oh. Well then they're yours, dude.
[reading from a review] This album begs the question "What day did the Lord create Spinal Tap, and couldn't head have rested on that day too?"Marty DiBergi
Otter: Flounder, I am appointing you pledge representative to the social committee.
Flounder: Gee Otter, thanks. What do I have to do?
Otter: It means you have to drive us to the Food King.