I'm trying to get you laid, I'd appreciate a little help!


Oh, no no no no. Dead broad off the table.


Agent 23: If you don't follow the rules here then what are we?
The Chief: I'm telling you what we're not, we're not people who jam staples into other people's heads, that's CIA crap!

I'll take responsibility here. I'll be the only person in this administration who's willing to take responsibility for anything.

Henry Kissinger

Judge Chamberlain Haller: Mr. Gambini, didn't I tell you that the next time you appear in my court that you dress appropriately?
Vinny Gambini: You were serious about that?

Stacy Hamilton: When a guy has an orgasm, how much comes out?
Linda Barrett: A quart or so.

Jack: Are you still seeing that shrink?
Miles Raymond: I saw him on Monday. I spent most of the time helping him with his computer.
Jack: Well, I say, fuck therapy. And what is that stuff you take... Xanax?
Miles Raymond: And Lexapro, yes.
Jack: Well, I say, fuck that too. You need to get your joint worked on, Miles.

What was that? Did you just pick up another case? Did we just take another damn case on my vacation?

James Carter

Scott: [on Jerry Springer show] How could you do this to me? On national television!
Dr. Evil: Well throw me a freakin' bone here, Scott.
Scott: Why did you run out on me?
Dr. Evil: Because you're not quite evil enough. [audience boos] It's true! It's true! You're semi-evil. You're quasi-evil. You're the margarine of evil. You're the Diet Coke of evil. Just one calorie, not evil enough.

You're right! You're not your dad! He could sell a ketchup Popsicle to a woman in white gloves!

Richard Hayden

Is your act just designed to make sure no girl will ever sleep with you?

George Simmons

I , Jackie Moon, will wrestle a bear.

Jackie Moon

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