Favorite Comedy Quotes
Raoul Duke: I wouldn't dare go to sleep with you wandering around with a head full of acid, wanting to slice me up with that goddamn knife.
Dr. Gonzo: Who said anything about slicing you up, man? I just wanted to carve a little Z on your forehead.
Otto: Don't call me stupid.
Wendy: Why on earth not?
King of Swamp Castle: Listen, Alice...
Prince Herbert: Herbert.
King of Swamp Castle: Herbert...
Jim The Gun Salesman: [persuading her not to buy a large gun and bullet to shoot a mockingbird] First of all, there's this book, "To Kill A Mockingbird"...
Kit: Copy that too, just put that book right here!
OK, Ms DumBum ain't your teacher today, I am, and I have a headache and the runs. So I say, time for recess!Dewey Finn
Mike: Look, we're gonna spend half the night driving around the Hills looking for this one party and you're going to say it sucks and we're all gonna leave and then we're gonna go look for this other party. But all the parties and all the bars, they all suck. I spend half the night talking to some girl who's looking around the room to see if there's somebody else who's more important she should be talking to. And it's like I'm supposed to be all happy 'cause she's wearing a backpack, you know? And half of them are just nasty skanks who wouldn't be nothing except they're surrounded by a bunch of drunken horny assholes. And I'm gonna tell you something T. Are you listening?
Trent: Yeah, I'm listening.
Mike: I'm not gonna be one of those assholes. Alright? It just makes me sick. It's like, some nasty skank who isn't half the woman my girlfriend is, is gonna front me? It makes me want to fuckin' puke!
McKinley: Arty, I need you to do me a favor. I need you to take a shower today.
McKinley: 'Cause your parents are coming tomorrow, and I don't want to get in trouble.
McKinley: You haven't taken a shower once this summer. Not once in 8 weeks.
Arty: I will.
McKinley: You're covered in dirt. Take a shower.
I know talent when I see it - TALENT! Once, I was rehearsing birds - toucans - for this musical review in Brazil...Mikey Abromowitz
Lawrence: Doesn't that chick look like Anne?
Peter Gibbons: Yeah, a little bit...
Lawrence: Hey, she hasn't been over here in a while. You two still goin' out?
Peter Gibbons: Yeah. I guess... I don't know. Sometimes I get this feeling like she's cheating on me.
Lawrence: Yeah, I get that feeling too, man.
Peter Gibbons: What do you mean by that?
Lawrence: I don't know, man. I just get that feeling lookin' at her like she's the type of chick that just... buhhh.
Prime Minister: Right. So, not quite as secret as we'd hoped.
Natalie: Right. What should we do?
Prime Minister: Smile. Give a little bow. Wave.
Why would you buy these pants?Nick
Skip: Don't take this the wrong way Millie, but if I catch you in here again I'll ban you from the ballpark.
Millie: You can't ban me from the ballpark because my daddy donated the scoreboard.
Skip: What do we need a scoreboard for? We haven't scored any runs all season.