Dude... I cannot take you seriously in that hat...

Wilbur

Who presents this woman? This woman? But she's not a woman. She's just a kid. And she's leaving us. I realized at that moment that I was never going to come home again and see Annie at the top of the stairs. Never going to see her again at our breakfast table in her nightgown and socks. I suddenly realized what was happening. Annie was all grown up and was leaving us, and something inside began to hurt.

George

I haven't had sex since I got to America.

Semmi

King Jaffe Joffer: Our son cannot consort with such a girl.
Cleo McDowell: Now wait a minute!
King Jaffe Joffer: I know you have been inconvenienced. I am prepared to compensate you. Shall we say one million American dollars?
Cleo McDowell: No way.
King Jaffe Joffer: Very well then. Two million.
Cleo McDowell: You don't have enough money to buy my daughter off.
King Jaffe Joffer: [laughing] Nonsense.
Queen Aoleon: Jaffe, apologize to Mr. McDowell.
King Jaffe Joffer: I will do no such thing. The man is beneath me and so is his daughter.
Cleo McDowell: I don't care who you are. This is America, Jack. Say another word about Lisa, and I'll break my foot off in your royal ass.

King Jaffe Joffer: Semmi, you have disgraced yourself, and you must be punished. Confine yourself to our royal suite at the Waldorf-Astoria.
[to Oha]
King Jaffe Joffer: And see that he puts on some decent attire.
[to the rose bearers]
King Jaffe Joffer: And I want you to bathe him thoroughly.
Semmi: Oh, thank you, Your Majesty.

Wayne Campbell: Am I supposed to be a man, am I supposed to say, it's OK, I don't mind. I don't mind. Well I mind! I mind big time? And you know what the worst part is? I NEVER LEARNED TO READ.
Cassandra: Is that true?
Wayne Campbell: Yes, everything except the reading part.

Wayne Campbell: All I have to say about that is "asphinctersayswhat".
Noah Vanderhoff: What?
Wayne Campbell: Exactly.

If my parents figured out I brought you from the past, they'll bury me alive and dance on my grave!

Wilbur

Lewis: Goob, I had no idea!
Bowler Hat Guy: Shut up! And don't call me "Goob"! How many evil villians do you know that can pull off a name like "Goob"? Bleh!
Lewis: Look, I'm sorry your life turned out so bad. But don't blame me you messed it up yourself. You just focused on the bad stuff when all you had to do was... let go of the past and keep moving forward...
Bowler Hat Guy: Hmm, let's see... take responsiblity for my own life or blame you? Dingdingdingdingding! Blame you wins hands down!

Mom and Dad are gonna kill me! And I'm gonna tell you this, it will not be done with mercy!

Wilbur

Franny: Wilbur, what have you done? How could you bring HIM here?
Wilbur: That... is an excellent question.

Lisa McDowell: So why did you come here?
Prince Akeem: To find something special.
Lisa McDowell: It's a long way to travel.
Prince Akeem: No journey is too great when one finds what he seeks.

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